If all else fails - love

In Sydney on business last night, I visited the men's group that I hope to join when I move here permanently. It looks like it's going to work well. They're new to some of this work but the commitment and passion is high.

I facilitated about three processes, including one that really touched my heart. The man has been wanting for months to tell his parents that he loves them, and has struggled with this. His fear is that he would look foolish, though I suspect it goes deeper than that. He played "yes but" to all our suggestions, and in the end we put him in the centre of the circle, placed a hand on his heart, and told him that we loved him. He told us in turn one by one that he loved us. And he looked in a mirror and loved himself.

As another man quipped: If all else fails, simply love the man.

I'd texted RCG to let her know that I'd be late back and would call her at 10.30. When I called she was out driving round Mackay, and said she'd call back in half an hour. She didn't call in that time, and I sent her a text message saying "Sweet Dreams". She called straight back and we spoke for a short time.

I didn't get to say that I was sad, lonely in the hotel room on my own, tired and craving a cigarette, and I wanted some love from her. I was angry when she didn't seem so keen to talk as me, and I let it go.

In these last few years I've learned to love myself and not to need it from others and also to allow myself to receive love when it is given. It looks like being in love with RCG is triggering me to fall back to a place of needing love, and it's tempting to start that crazy game of "you don't love me as much as I need you to". Hence the interaction last night.

I take responsibility for loving my little boy, alone in a big city, missing his mother.

Text message from her this morning: "Morning that boy. Oops, I mean wonderful man. ;) "

Day 24 - Yearning

Autumn is a second spring where each leaf is a flower. - Albert Camus

And maybe one of the reasons I didn't arrive at the course as much as I could have was because my heart was with RCG.

We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, and I'm so glad that has worked out. I don't usually do phone very well, and whilst I'm not wanting to plan, it's good to know that one of the basics to long distance relationship is in place.

Highlights:

- RCG has started warming up her mum to the possibility of her moving to Sydney. Her mum instantly forbade it. All in good time, but I'm glad she's thinking of it.

- Her friends calling me "The Boy" and teasing her for how excited she got when I called.

- Telling her that all she needs to unpack is her bed (she was moving house).

- In saying how much I wish we were together at the weekend, I unconsciously implied that she should go to workshops with me, and then lost mobile phone reception before I could clarify that.

When I got reception again hours later, she had already texted me back: "I believe personal development can be achieved through countless means and processes. If I find I'm not partial to guided workshops style it only means we'll have to be creative in finding other ways to grow together."

I called her up and said "I have no expectations or assumptions on whatever personal work you chose to do or not to do. To me you are perfect as you are, and if you do change or don't change I will welcome all of that."

I'm really glad: we had a conflict and we resolved it quickly; she defended herself so cleanly; and I really meant what I said - a taste of unconditional love.

Although I'm back in town now, she's away in Mackay on work, and I won't see her till Friday. It will take spiritual practice to get me through my physical yearning for her.

Aspects of the Goddess

Another workshop in Byron Bay over the weekend, this time with William (The Mykonos in Wild Nights by David Deida) and Sophia (Deida's ex-partner). I'd expected the workshop to be similar to that of the Satyen Raja one in January on Sex, Passion and Enlightenment, and I was disappointed. The focus was the body as prayer, and consisted of many "sit and listen at the feet of the master" lectures by William, and "hold this yoga position until your body hurts, then keep holding it whilst I offer you shame that you can take on if you lose the position" from Sophia.

To be fair, William very rightly said that spirituality was a core component to any relationship and that relationship itself was a spiritual practice. William also helped me by pointing out that the mind I cherish so much spends most of it's time thinking about Food, Money and Sex (and I'd add Nicotine to that list). Whilst those things are important, they don't necessarily deserve that much attention from me. However, the incessant meditation and humming didn't really help me through.

William's teachings on unconditional love; observing, suffering and then declining to play the script game each of us bring to our relationship; and above all feeling from the heart, were valuable lessons I didn't need to do the course to get.

William and Sophia, in line with their teacher Adi Da Samraj, proclaim the need to discipline the mind and body in the name of spirit. I'm all for discipline: Discipline that allows me to focus, direct and nurture my child-centred vitality and libido, not replace it. When I looked at them, I certainly didn't see the child in them, and that terrified me. Sophia's yoga honed body was a lifeless corpse.

I stayed with a very good friend of mine in Byron Bay. He and his partner are also fans of William and Sophia, and I think his partner put it well when she commented that shaming the child with spiritual idealism isn't the way to go.

There were some beautiful, radiant women on the course (N perhaps the greatest amongst them), and I was very pleased to note that I found myself attracted to the women that most reminded me most of RCG.

At one stage Sophia was talking, and I was looking at the gorgeous woods on the other side of the picturesque valley the course was held at. She told me off for that, remarking that I was not respecting the scared and was not "arriving". It took all my discipline not to reply "Divine and radiant as you are, I find more enlightenment in the breeze that blows through the tops of the trees." I think she sensed that as I gazed at her, and started speaking gobbledygook (literally).

I'm pleased that despite my bored little boy, I didn't smoke. Instead I got spent time with friends from Byron Bay:

I gave N a lift to the course. I'm seeing now how much her sharp mind contains the naughty, playful, and rebellious girl which I delight in and encourage; and perhaps how that wasn't the best for her or me. She was all ablaze as she described how her new partner had kicked her out of the house when she was being a brat. It seems to me like she's playing a script to get discipline from her lover, and it's a game of high stakes. Friendship is so much a better way for us to go.

At breaks I spent time with V, an apprentice of Deida, a good man and an ex-actuary of all things!

One morning, I had breakfast with "Hestia", an older, wonderful and wise woman who I met on the Satyen course in January and have kept up an email friendship with. She loves the Deida work and does it with the same compassion and tenderness that she practices as a psychotherapist. She's having an intense time being in her feminine, and what a blessing that was.

I had a two hour massage from my friend in Byron which was truly the closest I came to spiritual ecstasy all weekend.

Sharing

Talking to RCG last night:

1) She liked me from the start and was actually going to ask me out to dinner the week I didn't turn up to dance class.
2) She's had a few relationships but never a serious boyfriend.
3) She's just as scared about me leaving as I am.
4) She's afraid that she doesn't know much compared to me.
5) She's afraid that I'm falling for her now only because I know I'm going to leave for Sydney.

We walked down Redcliffe pier and kissed in the starlight. I told her then that I had been dating other women, including a woman in Sydney, and that I had dropped them all for her. I told her I didn't regret that choice. She had tears in her eyes.

This morning I realised that the tingle on my lips might be cold sores. I had to call her up and warn her that I might have given her herpes, but then it turns out that she's already got them and was worrying that she'd passed them on to me. Looks like we're sharing already.

The Challenge

I say: "My feelings of jealousy and possessiveness about RCG are an inevitable part of me entering a relationship, and I have come to accept that this is a part of the process, and I know I am able to contain these feelings and move through them, as I have done so in the past."

Martin challenges: "Can you love her unconditionally - that is to bless her as she is, to love her fiercely and passionately, but without trying to possess her, without treating her as property to be owned?"

I accept the challenge.

Day 19 - Group Sex

It is a perhaps less well known phenomena that, after a while, men in a men's group tend to manifest issues together. I think it's rather like women who live together end up synchronising their menstrual cycles (though I'm not even sure if that is true or yet another man made myth about women). Issues that might be up for me tend to be up for the whole group and vice versa.

Last night multiple men in my men's group worked on (1) intense feelings of jealousy about their partner, and (2) feelings of sexual inadequacy. I was not one of those men, but it's a hair's width away for me, and I suspect most other men in the group.

(1) Jealousy
I wonder what RCG was doing last night. I wonder where she was and, especially, who she was with. I feel somewhat ashamed about my curiosity, and am quick to label it a controlling impulse. I know it could all be solved with just a simple question today of "How was your night last night?", but somehow I'm more attached to the game in my head than I am on the facts. I've been here before. I know it'll fade. The sad truth is when this white heat of honeymoon love fades, I'll be wanting us to have time apart.

I know that any mistrust I have of her is in fact my own mistrust of myself. Despite my blossoming love for RCG, I have continued to be distracted by attractive women I pass in the street, and I occasionally I day-dream fantasies about women other than RCG. Sometimes I contemplate forgetting the commitment I made to stick with her. Ashamed of this in me, I'm susceptible to projecting this wandering tendency on to her, regardless of whether or not it is true for her.

My choice then is either to shame myself about this wandering tendency, or to accept that it is simply part of my sexual self. I will always be attracted to sexy women, and I have the choice to celebrate that sexual energy in me through my union with RCG. It's the fear of my sexual energy that might destroy me, not my sexual energy itself. Of course, the acceptance that I will always have these impulses is not even close to a justification to act on them.

And when I reach that place of self assurance about me and my intentions, I find it very easy to trust and love her, and to honour my instinct to protect her and to passionately fuck her into love's deepest bliss.

(2) Sexual Inadequacy
Back when my marriage hit the rocks and I was still at the tail end of my depression, my sexual appetite disappeared, and the lack of sexual activity between us was a significant factor in the ultimate demise of the marriage. Since then I've had a fear of losing my sexual appetite again. Like most men I know, I have a deep fear of impotence.

Once again, I can allow myself to be consumed by this fear and enact a self-fulfilling prophecy, or I could accept the reality that RCG turns me on far more than any other woman I've been with. I could dwell on how much more pleasure I could (nay SHOULD!) have given her, or accept that we made love for hour after hour after hour, and it's not surprising that I had faded away towards the end. I could let in the lusty look in her eye when she thanked me the morning after.

Still, the drill sergeant in me will keep whipping me into shape, because that's the tool my psyche knows and trusts the best when it comes to the deepest issues. Switching the anti-fear mechanism into simply knowing and trusting is ongoing work.

With the processing and facilitation I did last night it was so easy to see how close to the bone our sexual identity lies. To see how it is so easy to completely deflate a man by pulling the plug on his sexual energy, and how when relationships get toxic, this vicious cycle begins and perpetuates. My mentor calls sexual identity the inner-most electron of our psyches. I'm comforted by the fact that my men's group is comfortable to work at that level of intimacy. I'm also proud of, and grateful for, the facilitation work I did last night with my brothers.

I see only children here

(For all my friends on The Quitnet)

Pretty little girls hiding in the spaces between the pixels.
With wide blue eyes waiting to be loved and adored.

Young boys jumping from flicker to flicker on the screen,
Who think - who KNOW - they're invincible.
And find yet another way of causing trouble,
Because they like to see the shock in other's faces.
They like to see you blush,
The red reminds them that we are all alive.
And have a tender living heart that pumps passionate blood through our fleshy bodies.

Screaming, shouting kids, in bright gaudy colours,
Who, regardless of the words, proclaim "Isn't it good to live?".

A lonely child,
Hiding behind that dust speck on the screen where no-one can see her,
Sad because her dearest friend is gone.
And her tear soaked eyes just cannot see
That the next friend is reaching a hand out to her.

Children languishing in the grey spaces at the corner,
Basking in the company of their friends.
Playing - because what else is there to do?

And occasionally, when exuberant tempers fly, a rowdy fracas erupts.
The harsh words learned from harsher parents;
The unspoken "But I was just trying to love you",
A distant unheard echo.

And above all, the ones who want to be grown up.
Who stand proudly in the middle,
With shoes that are a size or two too large from them,
And new but dull spectacles slipping down their button noses.
Who yearn to be older, where things might be simpler and less scary.
Who are forever disappointed.

I like to stand behind them, and catch them when they fall.
To let them know it is OK.
To remind them that their God-given wonder and magic
Is with them now,
not tomorrow.

Step 1: I am powerless over Nicotine

I didn't understand this one for a long time. It sounded like an excuse to carry on smoking. Why would I ever want to admit to that? Doesn't saying I'm powerless over something mean that it's going to beat me? How can this possibly be the first step in my road to recovery?

Through my limited experience at The QuitNet I'm noticing that I've read a thousand posts which said:
"Well today I thought I'd have JUST ONE cigarette, then quit again. But then I had more, and before I knew it I was smoking 30 a day again"

And I have NEVER read a post which said:
"Hi all. I've decided I'm going to start smoking again, and I'm consciously deciding to go out and buy a packet and return to my 30 a day habit straight away."

And that's when I got it.

When I say I'm powerless over nicotine, it is NOT a statement about my strength, my willpower, my ability to quit smoking. It is a statement of fact. A very particular truth:

"If I have one cigarette, then I will have more."

As surely as night follows day the "Just One" cigarette leads to "Just Another" leads to "Just this pack" leads to "Just till the end of the week" and so on until my quit has vanished literally in a puff of smoke.

THAT is what is meant by powerlessness.

Fundamental to my quit (and I emphasise, that this is what works for me and each of us has our own way), is the complete acceptance that I am powerless over nicotine because if I smoke once cigarette I will smoke more. It is the cold hard truth that is the foundation of my life of freedom.

Whilst my instinct may be to deny the addict in me, that will only mean that it can sneak off and take control. If I learn to recognise my addict, to understand it, to pay it attention, and ultimately to love it (but NEVER feed it nicotine), then I will surely remain quit.

Day 18 - Love

A Q-Buddy writes:

I'm concerned, though, that you may be setting yourself up for a tough predicament when you have to leave in 7 weeks. If you've honestly traded one addiction for another (cigarettes for your lover) then what happens when you have neither in a few weeks?

I know I joke around saying I've traded one addiction for another, and there is some truth in that. I constantly think about her, and yearn to have her - and that's not so different from nicotine.

For me, the big difference is that smoking is definitely selfish - it is all about satisfying my short term need for a drug fix; whereas love is all about giving. I feel love most when I'm giving it to another. And whilst I do get fulfillment from the love I receive back from her, I feel most fulfilled when I am loving her with all the intensity and passion I have.

Even if I do lose my lover in 7 weeks (which may not happen, we've started to plan meeting up after I move), I will not have lost my capacity to love. In fact, I am with her now because she is deepening my capacity to love in her own unique way; and once I get through the pain, even a break up can deepen my capacity to love. I don't believe we can ever lose our capacity to love.

Far too soon

Driving back from our first night together.

She: "Can I ask a bad question?"
Me (looking her in the eye): "Yes."
She: "When are you going to Sydney?"

The Wilderness

Two weeks nicotine free, with lots of support from my friends at The Quitnet.

Last night my men's group went camping way out west in the bush on the banks of the Brisbane river. For the first time, I put up the tent my sister bought me for my birthday, and it worked a treat. RCG and I are going camping for Easter, and it was good to have some practice so I can look competent around a campsite. We stayed up late around the campfire doing our secret men's business; woke up this morning to steak for breakfast.

It's amazing what a night out in the wilderness with male company will do for me. This morning I'm feeling alive, reinvigorated and hungry for life. Just in time for my night with RCG.

Day 14 - Lap dancing

N is now also in a committed relationship:

Mind you I didn't volunteer that commitment bit myself, I had to be cajoled into that one, I had planned for our next meeting I was going to invite you over here for a lap dance and was excited by the idea. So when I am being delivered the ultimatum I'm like but I really want to lap dance for [X].

Oh well - another life time perhaps.

I've proposed ongoing friendship, and this one feels so much easier than with K.

Check-up

Quit
Going well. I feel like it's downhill from here. Smoking is not an option, and my brain and body are starting to respond in the moment with other options. It's becoming so clear that the part of me that does want to smoke is the part that believes it's worthless and deserves to suffer. I'm loving that part with all my heart. This is always the first priority.

Work
Shit. I am getting into real trouble. I need to work harder. Uphill from here. Much as I'd prefer to put this after RCG, this is now priority 2.

Women
All cleared up with K. Moved through the place I was at yesterday, helped a lot by spending time with RCG.

RCG said after last night's three hours of heaven in the cinema whilst we stroked each other in the darkness: "Why is it that we both live with our parents!". I only need one hint - I've booked a night away in a guest house up in the mountains for Sunday. I've read and watched so many stories about lovers going off for "dirty weekends", and I have this delightful mixture of disapproval and sheer naughtiness inside at the thought of doing the same for the first time.

Family
I need to start planning and spending time with mum, dad and my sister before I move off to Sydney. I've been ignoring this for a while and it's needing maintenance very very soon. Priority 4.

Day 12 - K Kontinued

Ongoing dicussion with K regarding friendship and nature of my attraction to RCG. Much mis-communication from me; some strongly worded clarification from her; and a sprinkle of shadowy shit all round.

Best of all though, was this unprompted explanation from her:
"We were not lovers, we were developing a connection in order to support each others growth."

I'm glad that's cleared up. I wondered what we were doing.

But seriously, I'm loving the little boy inside who wants the one he gave away. Tough love.

Sometimes I take myself too seriously

I know. It happens. I'm embarrassed. Allow me to make it up to you with some light refreshment on the Jesus theme:

Practical Tips for Home Crucifixion
Hi Mom!

Dear K

I wrote an email to K to let her know I won't be dating her again.

She wrote back that she wants to be friends, and I agreed.

Part of me is disappointed she wasn't more hurt about the end of dating; part of me is relieved I don't have to be in masculine all the time with her (and is glad my balls won't be on the line with her); part of me is wondering if I can really do "just friendship" with her; and part of me realises that we are probably best suited to friendship anyway.

SMS

Her: Thinking of you and wanted to say hi. So ... hi. x
Him: Haven't stopped thinking about you. X

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

I am not an evangelical Christian, though I am a liberal one. I believe that Jesus was one of the greatest spiritual masters, among many such men and women who pass through the world to remind us of love.

With that prefix, this biblical verse (John 8:32) came my way today, together with the following commentary which I would like to share:

Jesus promises that if they do remain in his teaching, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free (v. 32). This is surely one of the most abused texts in the Bible, for it is often cited with no regard for either the condition attached (remaining in Jesus' teachings) or the sort of freedom in view, namely, freedom from sin (v. 34). In Judaism it was the study of the law that set one free (Ps 119:45; m. 'Abot 3:5; 6:2), so Jesus is claiming for his teaching that which is recognized as true of God's own teaching. This implicit claim to divinity will be spoken clearly when he uses the divine I AM of himself at the end of this chapter. To know Jesus is to be liberated from all error and evil, for it is to know God himself, who is truth and purity and life. In Jesus' teaching and in the teaching of Judaism obedience to God is true freedom. This truth is quite different from the thinking of most people today, for it takes God, rather than our own personal feelings and ambitions, as the one good. The freedom in view is not a freedom to do whatever we wish according to the dictates of our own fallen selves, but a freedom from our fallen selves and the power and guidance to act in accordance with God himself, the source of all goodness and life.

I am reminded that locked within my addiction is a yearning for the divine, and that truth and obedience are the key to unlock love and spiritual freedom.

The deed is done

I am proud to say, the dreaded tax return has been filed.

Over a month late, with a £100 fine, and yet still a significant victory in the battle against nicotine and procrastination.

Hell week over again

So I'm more than a week nicotine free again. This week was not as bad as the last, due to:

1) Dancing pretty much all the first day of my quit.
2) Increased gym visits (really getting into the new personal training)
3) Very little regret for actually breaking my previous quit. In fact it feels like I'm at the end of week 3 rather than week 1.
4) And last, and most, the delightful distractions of RCG.

Don't over analyse your relationship

Dinner and dancing with RCG last night. We played the truth game of each of us taking turns to revealing "odd" stuff about ourselves. She's the first girl I've danced with that I'm actually going out with (except for Scorpio who was still learning), and it felt very different.

My fears about what would happen when I moved to Sydney kept crossing wires with me enjoying the relationship whilst it lasted. I so don't want to plan this, or let the fear distract from the moment. Ultimately, I talked to her about it. She was in the same place of not wanting to fix the obstacles at the cost of really getting to know each other. She said she'd be more cautious about the relationship, I'm not sure what that means, but then I wonder if it really matters that I know. To be honest (the point of this whole thing), I'm fearful that means no sex for a while, or perhaps ever. And having said that, I'm now OK with it. It's not going to stop me pursuing her and opening her with love, and that is all I truly want to do.

I'm also conscious that I've made it very clear to RCG how I feel about her, and chosen not to play any of the "chase me" games. I'm trusting that, even at 23, she's past the playing games stage. The cost of this authenticity is a potential loss of the fun and romance (as Martin has pointed out to me on many an occasion). I will have to find ways to bring that back in without losing the straightforwardness of my feelings for her. i.e. have fun within the relationship, rather than about the relationship.

One of her revealed fears was claustrophobia (we were speaking about the London underground). Note to self: Don't suffocate her in the relationship. She also explained that she was generally a very anxious person. When she said this, it was a surprise to me, but then it made more sense as I thought it through. Either I'm even more oblivious to people around me than I thought I was, or I genuinely put her more at ease and hence there wasn't anything to notice. Let's go for the second option.

Dionysus

Back on 18 Jan, I wrote:

Shinoda recommends: developing the Dionysus in me, particularly my bodily sense of pleasure and the ecstatic (rather than the rational sense of the divine as order and harmony); liberating my anima by having positive regard for feelings and feminine values; learning humility through greater empathy with others; Choosing love as motivation for my life and work.

I'd forgotten about that, but looking at my recent posts, it looks like I've kept to that path anyway.

How cool - my subconscious is carrying my intent rather than my conscious.

This Cat is Deep

Last I night I took RCG to The Tivoli to see Kurt Elling and the Lawrence Hobgood trio. I'm not a great jazz fan, and I had only heard him once on the radio, but something drew me to it and RCG was game to go.

It was an interesting crowd - far more high-brow than the average Brisbane scene - reminded me more of the London theatre crowd. They had this air of cool sophistication with a strong streak of nerd in the middle. They dressed accordingly.

Kurt Elling himself was soulful (not surprising) and funny (surprising). It all so easily could have been achingly pretentious, but he almost single-handedly made it authentic and real. He was, as an enthusiastic fan remarked to me in the gents, the suavest man in the world.

He sang like I've always dreamed of being able to sing. I particularly loved how masculine he was, and yet so strong in his Lover archetype - a powerful role model if I ever saw one. As well as the inevitable songs on romantic love, Elling also spoke to us of god and spiritual love. Like many religious texts (e.g. the Lawa - Guru Nanak's poetry recited during the Sikh Marriage; the Song of Solomon; or the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam), his songs unite the romantic and spiritual aspects of love, so that you never know if it the lover rejoicing at the return of his beloved, or the disciple ecstatic at the guidance from his guru. This cat has depth (to mix a couple of metaphors).

Normally, my experience of music is something distant, esoteric, and head-space. But tonight, I was completely pulled in, actually feeling the music with my body. Of course, my experience of little heaven might have something to do with having my arm wrapped around RCG for the evening. She was stunning, wearing a red backless top. Every time I touched her porcelain skin I felt my body erupt with pleasure. I almost blacked out when we kissed at the end of the night.

So, despite a response of "When?" from K today to my "Darker" email of yesterday, and the potential for something more with N, I'm going to stick with RCG. Somewhere down the track we'll have to deal with the distance between Sydney and Brisbane. And we'll deal with it somewhere down the track. Not now, not while you are mine.

Pain in the

I saw this and looked at my experience with my dance partner T in a new way. I had to laugh.

Darker

I asked K for feedback, and got a one word email response: "Darker".

Contacted a Deida trained man I admire and asked him:
1) I can do darker in the workshop, how do I do darker outside the workshop.
2) Is there any sense in asking her "Can you give me an example of Darker?".

Responses:
1) It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it. So… as you take her by the hand and stroll innocently down the boulevard, feel into her… feel the part in her that wants to be raped by love… touch her hand imagining how it would respond if you were to bind her to a post and flog her… whisper to her that you’d like to tie her to the roof-rack and fuck her in the carpark and get all the local hoods to join in too. Have fun. Be disgusting.

2) I have done exercises with my partner where she does dark, and she does it scarily well. Would it do your lady good to do darkness? Or are you just getting her to teach you? If you want her to teach you, I suggest she ties you into a chair, tie a noose around your testicles and give her the other end of the string. If you are not dark enough, she yanks the string. You’ll soon get the idea, I'm sure.

I emailed (2) to K as a suggestion for our next date.

Return of the King

It appears that whilst I've been away attending to matters of state, the little prince took it upon himself to sit in the throne don an oversized crown and play regent. It was wonderful to see him show such an interest in his future, and to see his delight and laughter as everyone played along. I was impressed by his passionate interest and some truly original ideas. Sadly, he got in to somewhat of a muddle around making decisions regarding women.

So, with a quick ruffle of his hair, and a small reminder to him that all matters regarding women will be dealt with by me alone, I sent him back to the nursery for him to play in safety and comfort.

Now, it is time to bless my kingdom with wise and loving guidance.

Addiction

I should have seen this coming. I should have been more careful. I started to believe I was finally immune. I thought I had it all under control.

But no, I went and fell in romantic love again.

RCG, since you ask.

And these aren't idle wandering thoughts or soft passing feelings. I want to completely possess her. It's a conflict between the part of me that simply wants to love her; and the part of me that's fearful of losing her and wants to control her and greedily devour her. It's all an irrational conflict that's happening only in my head. In thirty years I've not handled that energy well, and I'm fearful that this'll be the same old story all over again. I'll come across as needy or be possessive and jealous, and scare her away. Or be so scared that I'm coming across as needy or possessive that I re-enact the pattern just to get it over with.

I'm craving her like I'm craving nicotine. I'm craving her like she is nicotine.

Somehow I have to follow the same treatment: to stand in that place of not having and know that I will be OK. To no longer fear fear (and smoke/control), but allow fear to move through me (and breath/love). To be sustained from the inside, so that I can give on the outside. To not need a drug to keep me functioning. To love HER rather than need to feel her love of ME.

Breathe.

Salt

I was doing pretty well until about an hour ago. Now I'm feeling sad and angry, and am craving a cigarette.

The tiniest little trigger - my mother put salt on my dinner, even though I've been asking her for a year not to put salt on my food when she makes dinner. I managed to stay calm and just say I won't be eating it, and make my own dinner instead. Inside though, I was swirling with emotion.

Smoking would stuff down those feelings. Short term it'd work, long term it hasn't been great.

I know I want to feel again, to be alive and real, and not have to smoke my feelings down. However, sometimes I think I'm being given a dragster racer of emotion, when all I can handle at the moment is a push bike.

Advice to a woman on spotting a player

Once more I find myself dispensing advice, which perhaps I should be prescribing to myself.

How do I spot a player?

There are four things I advise you to do.

1) Be ready at any moment to walk away. Ultimately a player relies on doing things "just at the edge". Underneath any manipulation is the exploitation of our fear of being alone. Become comfortable and full in yourself to the extent that if there was no one else ever, you would still find happiness and fulfillment in your life. I don't assume this is an easy place to reach, but the more you strive for it, the less susceptible you will be to players.

Balance this with knowing that sometimes walking away is not just for your own good, but also for his. Players continue to be players if they keep wining. It's only when they lose that they change. Even whilst you give your fullest devotion and love in a relationship, be open to the possibility that walking away could be the most loving thing for you to do.

2) Pay very close attention to how accountable the man is to his commitments. Does he turn up when he says he's going to turn up. Does he do what he says and does he say what he does? Expect failure: Most men will not succeed at such standards of integrity. So, do not judge his accountability outright. Simply bring the FACTS of the matter to his attention. E "Hi, wonderful to see you darling. I note you said you'd be here at 7 PM, and it's now 7.30 PM." and see how he reacts. If he continually makes excuses, charms you, starts to blame others, or even blames you - GET OUT.

You deserve a man of integrity who keeps his promises. You deserve impeccability in this matter. A man who cannot keep simple promises is unlikely to keep the big ones.

3) Find a group of mostly women that you trust and seek their advice. On a regular basis. Include in this group women who you aspire to be like, and women who are very different from you but who have wisdom and experience that you respect. Learn to augment your own innate wisdom with their objectivity and experience. If you find yourself doubting their advice, remind yourself that you have specifically chosen these women because you trust them.

4) ALWAYS, no matter what happens, trust your deepest intuition. Even if right now it seems that your intuition was wrong, I think you'll find if you wait enough time you'll see the greater wisdom. Trust the signals your body sends you. Act on them, even if they seem crazy. Your intuition will reward you for your ongoing trust by becoming sharper as time passes.

Seems like it takes one to spot one.

The personality tests you have been waiting for

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you, you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people cry.

Take the Country Quiz.

You're Siddhartha!

by Hermann Hesse

You simply don't know what to believe, but you're willing to try anything once. Western values, Eastern values, hedonism and minimalism, you've spent some time in every camp. But you still don't have any idea what camp you belong in. This makes you an individualist of the highest order, but also really lonely. It's time to chill out under a tree. And realize that at least you believe in ferries.


Take the Book Quiz.

Planner vs Lover

You need to work out which woman suits you best in the long run, temper this by a realistic assessment of the chances of the relationship working, and take the best risk adjusted option. At that stage cut off relations (in a friendly way) with all the other women, perhaps even posing a friendship. What is important is the long term, and also making the decision and acting decisively on it. It doesn't actually matter too much if it's the best POSSIBLE decision, it's more important that you make ANY decision.

Who are you trying to kid? All the time you spend planning and trying to predict the future is time wasted. You should be enjoying and loving all these women at the same time. You have made no commitments, and there is no reason to force a commitment. Relax, enjoy yourself, live in the moment. Trust your heart and your gut. What is most important is bringing love to each moment, and serving each woman in this moment. A decision made is an opportunity lost. You always listen to that anal spineless planner - take a risk and listen to me for once.

Butterflies

I woke up this morning with this strange sensation in the front of my body moving down from my chest, through my belly and crotch and down into the front of my legs. I practiced breathing through it, and could sense it moving up and down my body with my breath. It was like stirring wisps of smoke.

And then I realised it was the butterflies in my stomach which I haven't felt since the first time I kissed a girl fifteen years ago (I was a late starter). Or maybe the butterflies have been there all this time, but I've simply forgotten them, and all that's happened is that I've been reminded. Or maybe because RCG is only 23, it's reminding me of my own youth.

Regardless, RCG's sweetest kiss after our date last night has set them free.

After the Storm, the Chaos

I've heard stories about the terror some commuters go through in train crashes when they have to get the train home after they're discharged from the hospital. Getting on my flight back home yesterday morning, I had a taste of what that might feel like.

On arrival in debris-strewn Brisbane I went straight to dance classes. I was in that space of no fear, and spent the day being really extroverted. Consequence? The teacher got me to do a demonstration in front of the whole class saying I had one of the best styles she'd ever seen. Consequence? The girls were queuing up to dance with me all day.

Then RCG appeared for the class we take together. More beautiful than I remembered. We made plans for Sunday night dinner.

Back home (1/2 hour drive), back out for another dance class, back home, picked up T, out to a house-warming party, then out dancing again, and finally back home 20 hours after I started the day.

T and I had an interesting interchange. For some reason which I don't rightly recall right now, I told her how her girliness used to really annoy me, but that now I really loved how she lived her full femininity without apology. Of course, she didn't hear the second part, and wanted to know more about the first. I should have seen that one coming. T is also Indian, and most people make the assumption that we were a couple. I now clarify that we're just friends every time I introduce her to others. I've got too many real girlfriends to have an imaginary one as well.

Hell 4 Hours

11 PM
Sitting on the balcony of the Red Lion Hotel, Sydney, with my friend R, second beer in hand, I chose to go buy a pack of cigarettes. I return and smoke seven, and destroy the rest.

5 PM
Flight leaves Sydney Airport for Brisbane. Weather in Brisbane is reported to be very bad, with a huge storm raging.

6.30PM
The pilot inches down the plane through the wild horses turbulence, to attempt a landing. Suddenly the plane rapidly lifts up and over the runway back to the skies.

"Sorry about that Ladies and Gentlemen. Due to the weather, we couldn't quite see the runway. We will be circling round and attempting another landing. We're also investigating other airports nearby."

7 PM
Second attempt. The plan inches down again. Half the passengers on the plane begin to throw up. The other half attempt to keep it in as the stench of the vomit circulates around the cabin. One man collapses - I think a heart attack, but maybe he just fainted.

Normally, when I fly, I get on the plane, fall asleep regardless of what's happening, and then wake up when it's time to disembark. This time, I am in sheer terror. I don't care if we crash. I just want to have solid ground under my feet. My body appears to have a whole life of its own. It's riddled with fear, and actually feels like its turning reptilian green. I keep centering myself with breath and meditation.

I can see the ground through the window and through the rain. Almost there.

Suddenly, the plane rapidly lifts up, leaving my stomach and hope behind.

7.15 PM
Brisbane airport closes, as do all nearby airports. We head back to Sydney.

9 PM
Arrive at Sydney. Eventually they inform us that there won't be any more flights tonight, and book us onto flights for the next day. No accommodation is provided, since the weather is not the airline's fault. It's Mardi Gras in Sydney - all the hotels are booked.

I have two friends in Sydney. I call up K. She switches off her phone without answering, and I leave a message. Phone another friend of mine. He's making diner and invites me over.

The Raging Goddess
In the midst of the storm, I wondered. Suppose this storm is not just about a weather system. Suppose, just for a moment, that it's a message from the Goddess. Why is she sending me back to Sydney? She must want me to speak to K again. I had originally thought about staying in town anyway and meeting up with K; but had chosen not to since it was all so ambiguous. Maybe the Goddess was driving me back.

Turned out to be a great evening with R. He's an old school friend doing the working holiday tour of the world. I'm persuading him to stay in Sydney for longer, for the purely selfish reason that I have another friend there. Perhaps this is where the Goddess wanted me to be, and it has nothing to do with K.

Musing further, the whole experience has grounded me. It was a taste of my own death, and I'm feeling more alive and awake. I'm back to day 2 of my quit smoking, and quite frankly, I'm OK with that.

Kissing K

After a wonderful dinner filled with oysters and endearing Czech waitresses, K and I went for a walk around Sydney's Kings Cross last night. K apparently used to live in the area when she was younger. Reminded me of Soho, except much smaller - disappointing really as I was expecting Sodham and Gomorrah. Amusing to walk by the strip-joints with a woman on one arm, and still have the touts approach me. I declined.

We talked a lot as we walked the streets of Sydney. She's an ENTP, beautiful and bright. The more I get to know her the more I start to admire her depths. I think she's loving mining my INTJ knowledge bank.

I kissed her as we got close to the train station. She hesitated, and pulled back a little. I collapsed inside. I think she said as she got on the train: "Maybe another time I'll give you a better answer." I don't know, I was struggling to take in anything at the time. I suspect it means she's not quite ready and wants more time. In a way that suits me, but mostly I'm scared.

Advice to a man on a dissatisfied wife

Something I posted today on The Quitnet in response to the question:

So, if the wife is unhappy with their sex life, is it all the guy's fault?

I don't do "fault". Going down the road of fault leads to blame leads to recrimination leads to ..... nowhere.

If the wife is unhappy, then the man needs to decide whether he's willing to make her happier, or to get out. In either option he must commit fully.

Sometimes it isn't about the sex as such, it's more about the relationship and the man's willingness to open his heart and be vulnerable with his wife. Communication, touch, non-sexual play is good for this one.

Sometimes the woman is simply aching to be blown apart by love, and to feel sexually ravished by her partner. Throwing caution into the wind and just going for it, exploring fantasies and even just making more noise, is good with this one.

Sometimes she uses "unhapiness with sex" as a way to hurt a man, knowing that sexual performance is a very sore spot. Here it's either time to get out, or to start working the fundamentals in the relationship again.

Sometimes he withdraws from sex as a way to make her feel undesired and hurt. Personally I think this is inexcusible for a man. If you want her, take her. If you want to simply hurt her, get out.

And only your own internal loving wisdom can tell you which situation you are in, and how to act. Remember, life's experiences have not made you bitter, they have made you seasoned and strong.

I'm conscious that all this comes from my own marital experience, and I wonder if my attachment to the past comes from bitterness or seasoned strength.

About Me

Who?
30 year old male, divorced, financial mathematician & latin dancer.
Where?
Brisbane, Australia. Previously London, UK.
What?
My addictions: Nicotine, Sex, Love and Freedom.
Why?
For truth. Learning to be honest with myself about who I am and what I do and what I believe in.

Any more questions?

I've been through Hell Week so many times, I'm on first name terms with the Devil

I made it. It's been the worst ever first seven days of freedom from nicotine, and a salutory reminder that I simply cannot continue serial quitting.

I look back and this last week has been a complete write off in terms of my work. I got an email today which will probably be the first of many informing me that the project delivery is almost imaginary. I felt waves of shame and anger (and did not smoke).

It's going to take some serious refocussing on my part to get this done before I leave my current employer. I know I shouldn't care, but it's a matter of my own professional pride.

It's time to step up a gear and to get going. I will be posting less often, and spending less time on the Q. I know that will put my quit at risk, but not completing this project will have a much bigger smoking risk.

05:28:32

Dates with N have always been a struggle against the universe. Last night though, the nicotine revenge hit big time. I won't go into the details. They are intensely embarrassing and intrinsically uninteresting. Suffice to say that as I pulled up at N's place, something happened beyond my control, and I could not go on the date. Knowing how desperate N was to see Sigrid Thornton, I knocked on her door, gave her my credit card to pick up the tickets, instructions on how to get to the theatre, and promptly disappeared.

I got to the play The Blue Room an hour late. What I saw was brilliant. 10 sexual encounters with different couples, played by the same pair of actors. The set design was inspired. During the sex scenes, there is a black-out with a massive digital clock timing each sex scene in fast forward.

Dinner, at what must be the best Indian restaurant in town, was divine. She was in ecstatic bliss. We talked about smoking - she smokes when she drinks, but never buys any. She zeroed in on my spiritual beliefs: "It's so rare to find someone intelligent to talk to about spirituality. I was starting to think that you had to be dumb to be spiritual."

Much later, after dinner: "I'm not done with you yet."

OK, so where can I take her now which DOESN'T sell cigarettes?

"There's a fabulous view from my place", she offered. I accepted.

When I last mentioned N to K, K said "Oh, the girl with the great arse!", and as we headed up the stairs - I noted that the view was indeed fabulous. Sadly, ethics for me, and overindulgence in the food and wine for her, kicked in when we got there. I put her to bed and left.

No sex without commitment.