Addiction

I should have seen this coming. I should have been more careful. I started to believe I was finally immune. I thought I had it all under control.

But no, I went and fell in romantic love again.

RCG, since you ask.

And these aren't idle wandering thoughts or soft passing feelings. I want to completely possess her. It's a conflict between the part of me that simply wants to love her; and the part of me that's fearful of losing her and wants to control her and greedily devour her. It's all an irrational conflict that's happening only in my head. In thirty years I've not handled that energy well, and I'm fearful that this'll be the same old story all over again. I'll come across as needy or be possessive and jealous, and scare her away. Or be so scared that I'm coming across as needy or possessive that I re-enact the pattern just to get it over with.

I'm craving her like I'm craving nicotine. I'm craving her like she is nicotine.

Somehow I have to follow the same treatment: to stand in that place of not having and know that I will be OK. To no longer fear fear (and smoke/control), but allow fear to move through me (and breath/love). To be sustained from the inside, so that I can give on the outside. To not need a drug to keep me functioning. To love HER rather than need to feel her love of ME.

Breathe.