Thursday, January 29, 2004

Day 24 - Crisis

Well, you've had fun, it's been very interesting, you've built up some pride in your achievements, and you've written some really deep and meaningful stuff. Well done.

So I think now, it's time to stop playing around.

Whilst I have been amused at your attempts to be free so far, they are now getting a little tiresome.

So, I will say this to you only once: Go out and buy a packet, and resume smoking.

And if you don't chose to follow these instructions, know that I will create your worst crisis, so that you will resort to the cigarettes again. I know everything that makes you tick. I'm very happy to press the button.

This "quitting" rubbish has gone on long enough.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Day 22 - Dionysus and the bodily sense of pleasure and ecstacy

Last year I went on a David Deida workshop. I was still a smoker. I hated it. Out of the 100 or so people there, I was one of only three that smoked, and the other two felt just as bad about it as I did.

This weekend, I had an awesome time at the Sex, Passion and Enlightenment workshop in Byron Bay. It was very similar to the Deida event except that Satyen Raja didn't have the arrogance that David Deida still exudes.

I also didn't smoke so I didn't spend every moment of the workshop wondering:
1) When the next break would be;
2) Whether I could just leave quietly for a moment for a cigarette, because the next break looked like a long time coming;
3) Where I could hide the butts;
4) If my practice partner (can't explain, you have to go to get it) could smell the smoke on me when I came back in;
5) If said practice partner disapproved as much of my smell of smoke as I did;
6) If it was the smoke or just my general lack of fitness that meant my body was screaming in pain so quickly;
7) If the stuff I was coughing up was due to the particular yoga positions, or just my smokers lungs; and
8) Why everyone else seemed to be loving the course and I wasn't.

Yes, I've done a lot of work on all this stuff between the two workshops, and it's always easier for me second time round, but I am still amazed at how much not smoking can transform this type of experience for me. It was a truly amazing and transforming workshop. I think the highlight for me was a date with two women (simultaneously). The challenge of serving the Goddess in each of them at the same time for the evening was much more than just twice as hard as a normal date. Previously, I'd have wasted half the time smoking.

There was one smoker on this course. I started with fear that I might be tempted to ask him for a cigarette, moved through anger that he dared to smoke, reaching compassion for him and me, and finally loving him anyway. Very similar to how I'm treating my own addict. I recommended the QuitNet to my smoking friend.

Today I'm really tired, and I'm working, and I'm getting the craving. I can't do that much about the tiredness yet, except to remind myself how proud I am I've got this far.

Oh, just so as you know, I have yet to experience anything that matches the feeling of watching a concert with each arm around a beautiful woman, and feeling love in all three hearts.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Prayer

Martin asked me: "How would each of the gods in you smoke?".

Apollo
Disdainfully.
Apollo in me smokes to gain detachment. When challenged to battle in the Trojan war by Poseidon, Apollo declined to fight over mere mortals. The Apollo in me smokes to avoid conflict. Apollo also thinks that smoking helps me think. See Limiting Self Beliefs below.

Hermes
Socially, Extravagantly.
Hermes likes the social club of smoking. He likes the transformational symbolism of the fire and smoke. He also thinks that he is immune from the effects, he tricks himself and me into believing that somehow I'd get away with smoking and never die.

Hades
Needily, Secretly, depressively.
Hades is smoking when I smoke because I am tired, hungry or lonely. Hades carries the belief that I deserve to die, that I am not worthy of life. Hades also wants the cigarette that gives me a spare moment to go inwards and find my centre.

Martin continued, "Your challenge is to find a way of meeting the needs of these Gods without smoking. Find a way of honouring what they strive for in you, but in a healthy way."

Apollo
Whenever you want it and only when it serves me more to be outside a conflict than inside it, I will take a step away. I will enjoy with you the detachment of a walk, and the cool moment to recollect my thoughts and make plans. I will do this without smoking. This is my commitment to you.

Hermes
Whenever I or you need company, I make three attempts to connect with a friend, acquaintance or stranger. I will not go alone. I will do this without smoking. This is my commitment to you.

Hades
Whenever you call me to seek soulful reflection and meditation, I will make space in my life for it. I know that you will bless me with the gifts of plenty that come to a man who is willing to look into his darkness. I will do this with a fierce love and compassion for you and for me, and without smoking. This is my commitment to you.

Happy Birthday To Me

30.

I actually feel very good about that.

Off to Byron Bay tomorrow for a course on Sex, Passion and Enlightenment.

Should be fun.

Day 18 - Small pleasures

My quit is going well. I'm here on day 18 feeling more positive about this quit than any other.

And I'm wondering why that's the case. I like to know why things work, so that I can make sure I keep doing whatever that is. And last night, talking to Martin, I think I realised what the shift had been.

I imagined that quitting was about not doing something: not smoking. At one level, it is as simple as that. I am quit if and only if I don't smoke. I believe that kind of thinking used to make quitting hard for me. It was all about resisting and struggling.

This time, I've really focussed on rediscovering what was underlying my craving.

I have a belief (and no science to back it), that over a period of time the craving to smoke substitutes itself for natural and essential processes in my body, mind and soul. For example, when I was tired, I would smoke; and over time the "stop and rest" signal became substituted with "have a smoke". Eventually I didn't even register the "stop and rest" part, and just went to "have a smoke".

Yes, smoking might give it's own chemically induced cravings, but I think that the "wires" get crossed on normal impulses, and that nicotine then takes over those systems.

The irony, of course, is that by smoking instead of the natural and healthy responses of resting/ eating/ crying/ shouting/ breathing/ praying, I am in fact doing nothing . I am not dealing with requests from me.

So, if my quitting strategy is to simply not smoke, i.e. do nothing, then in fact I am not really dealing with my addiction. I am almost perpetuating it.

This quit I have really grappled with the question "If what I am feeling and thinking right now, isn't in fact about smoking, but something else, what would that be?" and, "How can I respond healthily to the need that my body, mind and soul is signalling for me?".

Particularly powerful has been to think, "What if the feeling I have right now was actually a spiritual yearning from my soul. What small thing could I do right now that would satisfy that yearning for the divine."

In other words, this quit has been about doing something healthy, instead of not doing anything.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Day 16 - Morning Ritual

I have restarted my morning ritual from my last quit. I got as far as day 9 last time, so I restarted this on day 10 of my current (and final) quit.

I have a large black porcelain bowl, in which I have placed objects that are sacred to me: stones, my talisman, bright threads my sister ties around my wrist once a year, pieces of jade, candles, incense, and other items. They are arranged according to the place each object has in my life. I have a box of 100 or so bright blue stones. The bowl is set in front of a mirror.

Each morning I stand in front of the bowl and look into the mirror. I thank my spirit for supporting me through the last day; I remind myself how proud I am that I did not smoke yesterday; I affirm that I love freely and that I chose not to smoke today; I repeat that I love myself unconditionally.

Then I place one of the bright blue stones into the bowl.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Day 14 - The Gods In Me

Reference: Gods in Everyman by Jean Shinoda Bolen

One of the crucial aspects of my moving through my addiction is addressing the belief that "I am a smoker". It's hard not to see why I held that belief, after all the one thing I did more regularly than anything other than breathing (and that was a close contest sometimes) was to smoke. For fourteen years.

Moving through the addiction means moving through that identity. And one of the pernicious parts of holding onto an identity is the fear "If I'm not that, then what am I?". There is safety in knowing what I am, even if I don't like what I am.

I am what I chose to be. So, here's my plan: give myself some other way of identifying myself. Instead of simply throwing away the smoker identity, I want to replace it with another identity. If I enter a dark room, how do I get the darkness out? Trying to push the darkness out the door is pretty futile. Switching on the light to replace the darkness with light is much more effective.

This book was recommended as a way of finding my underlying archetypes - the mythological patterns of existence that pervade my life. The recommendation came from one of Petruska Clarkson's books, which in turn I recommend.

Of course, if I've learned anything in the last few years, it is that I am not simply one thing, but that I have a resource of ways of acting in the world, and the right to chose which way I chose to be and act in any particular situation. So for me, identifying myself has been more about recognising which archetypes I am comfortable in using and being, and also which archetypes use me.

Apollo - God of Sun
Favoured Son of Zeus. Successful goal setter, Sibling. Usually extroverted, thinking and intuition, future sense of time. Emotional distance, Arrogance, Venom. Ability to set goals and reach them, Appreciation of clarity and form.

I think this is perhaps my primary archetype, and certainly the archetype of my early youth. Apollo is usually successful in school, and I was certainly that. Perhaps not the all-round Apollo, but definitely the part that succeeds in the realm of the mind.

Appreciation of clarity and form is high amongst my values. My love for pure mathematics was definitely part of this.

I think my ex-wife would well attest to my emotional distance, arrogance and venom. Certainly when I feel threatened, I place emotional distance between me and the threat, and usually attack from a distance with arrogance and venom. The snake in me is the venom, and the snake was also associated with Apollo.

My sister would also attest to my place in the family of first born son. Through all my ups and downs I have always known that my parents favour me and are full of pride in my achievements.

Apollo men tend to have midlife crises when they realise that their external achievements cannot sustain them any longer. I had that crisis at the age of 24.

Apollo is the god of prophecy, and I ofen find that the future laid out like a path of options in my mind with sharp clarity. Apollo himself did not prophecy, but nurtured this in his priestesses. I think perhaps that means that I am open and nurturing to the feminine and intuitive side of me that can see the future.

Shinoda recommends: developing the Dionysus in me, particularly my bodily sense of pleasure and the ecstatic (rather than the rational sense of the divine as order and harmony); liberating my anima by having positive regard for feelings and feminine values; learning humility through greater empathy with others; Choosing love as motivation for my life and work.

I have worked on these, especially through my work with the Mankind Project, and I will continue to do that. Apollo continues to hold on to me, and much of my work seems to be letting go of this archetype. Nonetheless, it's a solid, powerful base for my life and will allow me to have the worldly success I sometimes need as a foundation.

Hermes - Messenger God
Favoured son of Zeus. Communicator, Guide, Trickster. Usually extroverted and thinking, definitely intuitive, all encompassing sense of time. Impulsiveness, Sociopathy, Eternal Adolescent. Capacity to understand meaning, Communicator of ideas, Friendliness.

I rather expected Hermes to be more dominant that he is in my psyche. I suspect that's because he's such a charming fellow. His strengths of capacity to understand meaning and as a communicator of ideas are definitely strong in me. Oftentimes I feel him take over and communicate to others things which I never realised I knew. He's a big part of the extrovert part of me, and I like having him there.

I'm not so sure about the trickster part. I can crack a joke or two, and sometimes Hermes comes down as a quick witted comment. However, all too often I respond more as Apollo's well placed and time little bit of venom. I share Hermes' love for new things, new projects, new initiatives, new ideas. I share his frustration at having to finish things, make things come to a fixed completion rather than a fluid (mercury like) idea. (See procrastination below). Hermes also allows me to bend the truth with alarming regularity and success.

Hermes helps me most in my men's work. He is an awesome facilitator: quick, can see things at many levels, communicates well, can be anywhere at anytime, friendly.

Shinoda's recommends: Saying No to Hermes, particularly Hermes' disregard for consequences and ethical values; seeking Apollo's help on ethics and also in the completion of projects; seeking Zeus' mentoring in order to grow from the adolescent boy; Seeking Aphrodite for awareness of vulnerability and initiation into sensuality; Seeking Dionysus and liberating the anima for similar reasons to Apollo; using Hermes to facilitate my Spiritual Evolution.

Apollo's ethical assistance has been successful, less so on the completion of projects. I have found some willing mentors, especially in MKP. Aphrodite is still elusive. Apparently she was too for Hermes, until Zeus sent a golden eagle to steal one of her golden sandals whilst she was bathing, which Hermes traded with her for her favours.

Hades - God of the Underworld
Social Invisibility, Depression, Distortion of Reality, Low self-esteem. Definitely Introverted and Sensation. Rich inner world of images, detachment.

There is a definite introverted streak within me. In fact, the introversion plays a larger role in my life than extroversion. Depression, and the rich inner world of images it opened me up to has played a big part in my life. Social invisibility is common for me - people easily forget me on first meeting, and feedback from my job has always indicated that I would benefit from making a bigger first impression. In turn, I've been rather proud of that invisible nature of myself, and am reluctant to let go of it.

Shinoda recommends that Hades: Develops a Persona - a face in the real world; Find Persephone, a woman to mediate in the world for him (external or internal anima); Activate Hermes to communicate the richness of the unconscious (underworld); Go out into the world.

Persephone is also proving elusive, externally and internally, but Hermes is active in me. Going out into the world is an ongoing project.

Remaining Archetypes
Zeus, God of Sky and Lightning.
Poseidon, God of Sea.
Ares, God of War.
Hephaestus, God of the Forge.
Dionysus, God of Ecstasy and Wine


I have always reacted strongly against Zeus. He represents patriarchy, and has always been public enemy number one within my psyche. Perhaps a reaction against my father, though in truth I think he is more like Hades than any other archetype.

Nonetheless there have been times where I have led like Zeus - drawing on my power to act with decisiveness and ruthlessness. Few and far between, and mostly by accident, but it has happened.

Poseidon, and the realm of emotions and feelings, is very alien to me. I don't have an adverse reaction against him, and have come to trust his loyalty, but most of the time I don't identify with him. When I see him act in others, I'm often a little confused, but I've learned to simply accept and love this.

I have done more work on Ares than any other part of me, especially through MKP. I can say now that I'm comfortable with him, and when I have tasted the aspect of this archetype that is the ability to be truly master of the moment in the midst of battle, it has been the most enriching thing for my soul. These days I love to be around Ares, and I deeply love working with Ares men and gaining their trust.

The romantic in me deeply wanted to be like Hephaestus - the misunderstood genius. I think though that whilst I do have moments of extreme creativity, they are mostly in the realm of the mind and are inspired by Hermes, rather than being in the realm of physical reality. I have never been "good with my hands". In this second stage of my life I am coming to enjoy Hephaestus activities, since they are new, and I feel no pressure to be good at them.

Dionysus has played a large part in my addiction. He tends to be like that. Most of him is completely incomprehensible to me, and I feel that strange blend of intense curiosity and mild aversion. Parts I can identify with are his Shamanic strengths, and his ability to hold both the masculine and feminine.

At times, I share Dionysus' swinging moods of low self-esteem and inflation, as I'm sure this piece of writing will show. Actually wanting to write this out as a completion of the book project is the Apollo in me, but the words came from Hermes, and the introspection from Hades.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Day 13 - The twiddling of thumbs

Well, this I did not expect.

Apparently, nicotine was my greatest ally in the never ending war against productivity. Whenever the gods of achievement sent their troops of "deadline" and "performance objective", or even "stuff to do at home", I could always rely on my addiction. "I'll go have a cigarette first. That way, I'll be able to concentrate."

I had no problem with non-smoking offices. I now had an excuse to leave the building every hour.

Luckily of course, one is never enough, and simply rising from my desk would lead to thousands of new guerilla moves to nail said goal orientated zombies: cup of tea, chat to colleague, phone call to friend, glass of water, visit to toilet, walk past of cute girl in other section, and of course, another "just before I start that" cigarette.

Now, I only have twiddling of the thumbs.

And of course post to this blog. Which is what I'm doing now rather than my tax return.

The "PC" has had much written about it, some of which was deserved, most of which was exaggerated (Nicotine cravings come every 20 mins, the act takes longer than this (adding in injury time), hence PC is simply relieving of excessive craving.) However, the "pre-coital" is a greatly underestimated phenomena, that deserves far more attention. Now by "C" here, I mean LIFE in all its aspects. Nicotine was my way of dealing with my fear and reluctance to enter the fray that is life and living. Fear is of course the underlying emotion of procrastination. Especially the tax return.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Day 11 - Spiritus Contra Spiritum

From Gods In Everyman by Jean Bolen

Communion with God can be a major unconscious motivation for drinking that leads to alcoholism. Bill W., cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous, had an exchange of correspondence with Jung that illuminates this connection between alcoholism and spirituality. Bill W. wrote to tell him of the importance of a conversation that Jung had had in the 1930s with Rowland H. that had played a significant role in the founding of AA (Rowland H. was an alcoholic and former patient of Jung's whom Jung in this conversation told that he could not help.)

"When he (Rowland H.) then asked you if there was any other hope, you told him that there might be, provided he could become the subject of a spiritual or religious experience."

(Taking Jung's words to heart, Rowland H. then sought and found the spiritual experience that did help him.)

Jung replied, "His craving for alcohol was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God."

"You see," Jung wrote, "'alcohol' in Latin is spiritus, and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum."

The phrase spiritus contra spiritum translates into the principle of using spiritual communion against the addiction of alcoholic spirits; substituting God (in whatever form that has meaning for that individual) for alcohol. When the use of alcohol or any other substance is motivated by Dionysus, a man or woman is seeking spiritual communion through these means; when this is the case, it's no wonder that a relationship with God helps bring about sobriety.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Day 10 - Pastures New

So this is how far I got on my previous quit - New Years 2004, 9 days quit.

The last 9 days have been easier than I expected (or at least easier than last time). Today is harder. Today is newish territory.

I'm trying to recall the longest quit I had in the midst of my 14 years of smoking. I believe it must have been in the begining of 2000, when I quit for about three months. So 100 days smoke-free will be a major milestone for me when I get there (note when not if).

Actually, each day is a major milestone, and I'm so glad I got this far.

Last night I went to my men's group. The work gets very emotional and intense, and afterwards I usually crave a cigarette (cue more stuffing of emotions). Despite the temptation of a friend offering me a cigarette, I came home smoke free. I'm proud of that.

This morning I was standing in the lift when an attractive woman stepped in. The attraction lasted for the half a second before her "eau de Winifield" hit me.

I had the smoking dream experience a couple of nights back. In the dream I decided to go smoke. I struggled, and then bought a packet. Then I realised I'd made a mistake, and chose not to smoke them. I looked for someone to sell the cigarettes too, and found some dodgy looking guys drinking beer outside a pub. They looked uninterested, but one of them bought the pack off me for $2, which I figured was a fair price.

So today is hard, and I'm doing good, and the universe is sending lots of reminders and affirmation that I'm on track.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Day 9 - The Threshold

My mum drops me at the train station on her way to work each morning.

This morning, she was driving the automatic rather than the manual for complicated uninteresting logistic reasons. Mum doesn't like driving the automatic. I think she still sees it as "Dad's Car" and is frightened that she might damage the car and upset dad (again). Mum is one of the best drivers I know; she drives with care, foresight and skill.

With her nervousness she spent an age reversing out of the drive, having to back up a number of times and try again (even though there was ample room). I snapped, using the excuse that I didn't want to miss my train (even though that doesn't actually matter much). I chose to be angry rather than sympathetic and supportive to mum. I chose to tell her that she didn't have to "play this game", rather than say encouraging words about how she could do this. I saw later she had a tear in her eye. I missed my train.

So right now I am sitting with a strong feeling running from the tears at the back of my eyes, down to my aching heart and the top of my guts. I am filled with anger, and sadness, and I am ashamed of how I reacted to mum.

And these are all feelings I can confuse with the need to smoke. I can actually feel this kind of switch in me: I can flip it to feelings or flip it to craving nicotine. At some point I chose to flip the switch to craving. Now it's rusty as hell and almost jammed solid.

Through all my men's healing work, I've heard time and time again that the addict seeking true healing must be willing to go to that dark place of despair and hopelessness. The very thing he ran away from.

Now I know what that really means.

Day 8 - A Bonnie Lass

She: "I have triple citizenship: UK from my Irish dad; US from my Mum; and Australia from me."

Sexy strappy sandals too (second thing I looked at).

And I did it without smoking.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Day 7 - Nuts

Email from a 22 year old who saw my profile on an online dating agency where I'd posted it about a year ago and promptly forgot about.

a la mode de belle de jour:

She: "You sound very exciting. Check out my profile."
Me (checking her profile): "You also sound fun. You're also after someone taller than you, I'm not."
She: "Don't care. Lets meet for coffee."

Forwarded email to Gary for nutter check. He said she sounded fine and to go for it. I said, yes, what about me?

Me (double checking profile to ensure non-smoker): "Coffee good. You chose place/time in case I'm a nutter."
She (naming time and place): "Call me when you want coffee."

Previously this is where I would smoke.

Bought nail clipper and clipped off all nails. Did toes just to make sure.

Pain kicking in from gym yesterday. Biceps, back and abs. Good stuff. Urination function fine again. Guts leveling out - good stomach bug tablets must be helping.

Day 6 - Fresh Air

Gym this morning. I'm hoping the nicotine receptors in my brain will covert to seratonin receptors. All that pain must be for some gain.

Later that afternoon I recalled not craving a cigarette as I left the gym - a significant milestone for me. That was one cigarette that truly encompassed the irrationality of my addiction: "I have just done something good and loving for me, now I shall reward myself with something that kills me".

Until the non-smoker truly accepts that this kind of statement is a firmly held belief and way of life for most smokers in the world, that non-smoker will never understand addiction. When I put the statement like that, I can sympathise with non-smokers for not understanding.

Went Latin dancing in the evening. The night started off slow, but soon heated up - literally (close on 30 degrees C). I'm really enjoying the SWEATY dancing - it somehow fits that I enjoy the juicy lubrication of life rather than the detachment of smoking. I also really enjoyed not craving a cigarette after every dance; and also the confidence of dancing with a girl knowing that she'd not be holding her breath to keep the bonfire smell away.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Cats in the house

Mum talking about my newly married cousin and his wife:

"... And they even have a separate room for the cats! She tells him to get the cats out of the house, but he says no. He tells her that he'd first kick her out the house. He's had them for so many years, he can't just get rid of them - they're not just pets, they're like children to him now. She doesn't understand that. People who have never had pets don't understand that."

So this is how a man learns about feelings through his mother.

Day 5 - Ancient History I

I'll make a start today.

Why did I start smoking? What led to that decision? Why did I make that choice? I believe there is some healing for me from answering that question.

What I can remember...

Gareth gave me my first cigarette. He was my best friend, had smoked for a while, I'd come along to watch, and till the day I smoked, I was not once tempted.

Gavin, my second best friend, had also smoked, though he had left my particular school. I had spent some time with him the previous Christmas holidays, and had been tempted, almost lit up, then decided against it. I remember he lit up (and I was tempted) because we were cold and frustrated that we couldn't get home. We'd got off at the wrong train station and were having to walk home.

I was upset with my girlfriend at the time. First love and all that. I don't remember the specific details, but I was miserable about the whole thing and I'd gone to talk to Gareth about it, and then asked for a cigarette. I remember it was cold and damp that day. I don't recall how it tasted, I do remember the nicotine rush - the light-headedness followed by a warmth in the guts. I remember thinking I'd have a couple and then no more.

Then I slowly discovered that more and more of my friends smoked, even those who I thought never would. I remember finding out that said girlfriend even started smoking. I find it hard to admit to the peer pressure one. There is a part of me that is arrogant enough to believe that I choose my own way and I never follow the crowd. He doesn't like admitting that there was the subtle peer pressure of simply noticing that others were doing it - peer permission rather than pressure.

It took me a while to get into smoking, but I was determined I was going to smoke and I persisted through the coughing and spluttering. I think part of the continuing to smoke was my belief that I was rebelling. I wasn't known for being a rebel, if anything I was considered a bit geeky. I even got kudos from the "in crowd" rugby playing lads for my smoking (but only because they wanted cigarettes from me).

I remember the addiction building up over time. Of starting off only wanting one in the evening, then in the afternoon when we went out to the coffee shops in town, then at lunchtime (and the first time I had confusion of whether I was HUNGRY or just needing a smoke), then at mid-morning, and then finally first thing in the morning. It was a remarkably quick process.

There were two parts then: starting and continuing; each with its own reasons.

Starting:
- Suppression of feelings, particularly anger with women.

Continuing:
- Peer pressure and acceptance
- Rebellion
- Continued suppression of feelings

More self-forgiveness in order here I think.

I'm still feeling the craving in the morning and the afternoon at work. Nights are fine, early morning is difficult. Much of that is wrapped up in my ambivalent feelings about my job. I smoked to suppress those feelings for sure.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

My limiting beliefs

1) Illusion: Smoking helps me think
Reality: Taking time to step away from a situation and breath deeply allows me to see things with greater clarity. I don't need to smoke in order to do that.

2) Illusion: I will always be a smoker
Reality: I have smoked for 14 years. I chose to smoke in the first place. I have never lost the power of choice. I can chose to not smoke.

3) Illusion: Smoking makes me feel "cool". (Yep, this one was tough to admit).
Reality: Whilst I imagine there is some kudos in being different and not following the social norm, in reality this is simply punishing me. There is little value to me in being different if being different is killing me. I can be a wonderful unique lovable and "cool" person who doesn't smoke.

4) Illusion: I won't get sick from smoking. I can cheat death.
Reality: I am a human being, with a fragile and beautiful body that is as capable and as vulnerable as the next human being's body. I cannot cheat death. Smoking is cheating living. I chose to live a full and passionate life, and die when my time has come.

5) Illusion: I deserve to die early. I am simply not worth it. If smoking kills me early, then that is still too late. (No one said these have to be consistent)
Reality: My life is a gift from the divine, and I have a responsibility to myself and the divine to live it with passion and pain, struggle and success, attachment and release. Suffering is truely optional.

That's all I can do today. Now it is time for me to rest.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Day 3

I've been reading "Gods in Everyman" by Jean Bolen, which describes the Archetypes of the Greek Gods. She describes Patriarchy better than I've heard it described before. I like the way she puts everything in a cultural context, by saying, for example, that there's nothing wrong with being a Hades man, but it's hard for a Hades man in a Zeus world.

So far I've read Zeus, Posiedon (interestingly compared with Robert Bly's Iron John), Hades and have started Apollo. I'm hoping to identify who I am. I have an instinct I'll be with Hermes, though Apollo and Hades have already struck some chords. I will discuss more with Martin tonight.

Cravings are strong this morning - I suspect the last trace of nicotene has left my body and the receptors are really starting to panic. I'm very conscious of the feeling at the top of my stomach and below my heart that is shaped like a disc approximately two inches in diameter. This is the kinesthetic form of my craving and I have to untangle the basic feelings of "hunger", "sadness", "grief" and "fear" that seem to reside in the same place.

Still noticing that I need to go urinate more often than before, even though I don't seem to be taking in more fluids than normal.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Day 2 - Freedom

From a Qmail to Mayim8...

[...]

Answering the question "Where are you from?" has never been easy for me. Not knowing where I'm from makes it difficult for me to understand who I am; but it also gives me the freedom to chose who I want to be.

That's another big part of my quit. I hate how smoking restricted my choices and my freedom. The 20-minute craving ruled my life like a whip.

Part of being honest with myself is recognising that I have grown to rely on that whip. That some part of me enjoyed the structure it gave me, and also enjoyed being whipped.

They say that sometimes it is cruel rather than considerate to release a domesticated animal into the wilds, because although it now has its freedom, it may not have learned the means to survive. Freedom becomes death.

That's where the ‘feeling my emotions’ part comes in. I imagine that those who have not smoked have learned how to survive in the wilds of emotion, whilst I have learned how to live in a cage of suppression - all safe and cosy.... and slowly but surely dying.

Quitting then becomes a choice for life, in more ways than just the well-known (and yet entirely ineffective) warnings about the physical health risks of smoking.

More than wanting to live, I want to live FULLY alive to all that life brings.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Day 1

"Life is what happens to you when you make plans"

I don't remember who said that, probably someone I'd be very embarrassed about quoting if I knew who they were.

[Found out later it was John Lennon, and he said something slightly different. Not so embarrassed now.]

They were also right. My meticulous plans for the New Year break to be in the middle of nowhere, miles from any shop, and only in the company of non-smokers, was well and truly scuppered by the arrival of 5 unexpected smokers to the party. I lasted all of 4 hours on New Year’s Eve, and smoked about 20 cigarettes in total over the first four days of 2004.

So.

I’ve debated in my mind what to do. Either I reset my quit to be midday yesterday, when I had my last cigarette, or deem these 20 to be slips, and that I’m still on course.

Both options don’t really cut it for me. I don’t want to write off the work I did in the first 9 days of my quit AND I want to be honest and real with myself about what happened. I have chosen to cut off four days from my quit, and say that I started on 26 Dec rather than 22 Dec. That puts me at Day 9, exactly where I was on New Year’s Eve.

OK. Then I realised that there will ALWAYS be a nagging doubt at the back of my mind that I’m not REALLY quit all the days that I said I am. So I’m going for the back to zero option, the brutal truth.

Here come the feelings...

I feel really sad that I lost that quit.
And I know that I can pull this one off.
I’m scared that I’ll just always be a failure - and that’s definitely my inner junkie speaking.
Looks like I’m going to be working on forgiveness for a while.