Day 14 - The Gods In Me

Reference: Gods in Everyman by Jean Shinoda Bolen

One of the crucial aspects of my moving through my addiction is addressing the belief that "I am a smoker". It's hard not to see why I held that belief, after all the one thing I did more regularly than anything other than breathing (and that was a close contest sometimes) was to smoke. For fourteen years.

Moving through the addiction means moving through that identity. And one of the pernicious parts of holding onto an identity is the fear "If I'm not that, then what am I?". There is safety in knowing what I am, even if I don't like what I am.

I am what I chose to be. So, here's my plan: give myself some other way of identifying myself. Instead of simply throwing away the smoker identity, I want to replace it with another identity. If I enter a dark room, how do I get the darkness out? Trying to push the darkness out the door is pretty futile. Switching on the light to replace the darkness with light is much more effective.

This book was recommended as a way of finding my underlying archetypes - the mythological patterns of existence that pervade my life. The recommendation came from one of Petruska Clarkson's books, which in turn I recommend.

Of course, if I've learned anything in the last few years, it is that I am not simply one thing, but that I have a resource of ways of acting in the world, and the right to chose which way I chose to be and act in any particular situation. So for me, identifying myself has been more about recognising which archetypes I am comfortable in using and being, and also which archetypes use me.

Apollo - God of Sun
Favoured Son of Zeus. Successful goal setter, Sibling. Usually extroverted, thinking and intuition, future sense of time. Emotional distance, Arrogance, Venom. Ability to set goals and reach them, Appreciation of clarity and form.

I think this is perhaps my primary archetype, and certainly the archetype of my early youth. Apollo is usually successful in school, and I was certainly that. Perhaps not the all-round Apollo, but definitely the part that succeeds in the realm of the mind.

Appreciation of clarity and form is high amongst my values. My love for pure mathematics was definitely part of this.

I think my ex-wife would well attest to my emotional distance, arrogance and venom. Certainly when I feel threatened, I place emotional distance between me and the threat, and usually attack from a distance with arrogance and venom. The snake in me is the venom, and the snake was also associated with Apollo.

My sister would also attest to my place in the family of first born son. Through all my ups and downs I have always known that my parents favour me and are full of pride in my achievements.

Apollo men tend to have midlife crises when they realise that their external achievements cannot sustain them any longer. I had that crisis at the age of 24.

Apollo is the god of prophecy, and I ofen find that the future laid out like a path of options in my mind with sharp clarity. Apollo himself did not prophecy, but nurtured this in his priestesses. I think perhaps that means that I am open and nurturing to the feminine and intuitive side of me that can see the future.

Shinoda recommends: developing the Dionysus in me, particularly my bodily sense of pleasure and the ecstatic (rather than the rational sense of the divine as order and harmony); liberating my anima by having positive regard for feelings and feminine values; learning humility through greater empathy with others; Choosing love as motivation for my life and work.

I have worked on these, especially through my work with the Mankind Project, and I will continue to do that. Apollo continues to hold on to me, and much of my work seems to be letting go of this archetype. Nonetheless, it's a solid, powerful base for my life and will allow me to have the worldly success I sometimes need as a foundation.

Hermes - Messenger God
Favoured son of Zeus. Communicator, Guide, Trickster. Usually extroverted and thinking, definitely intuitive, all encompassing sense of time. Impulsiveness, Sociopathy, Eternal Adolescent. Capacity to understand meaning, Communicator of ideas, Friendliness.

I rather expected Hermes to be more dominant that he is in my psyche. I suspect that's because he's such a charming fellow. His strengths of capacity to understand meaning and as a communicator of ideas are definitely strong in me. Oftentimes I feel him take over and communicate to others things which I never realised I knew. He's a big part of the extrovert part of me, and I like having him there.

I'm not so sure about the trickster part. I can crack a joke or two, and sometimes Hermes comes down as a quick witted comment. However, all too often I respond more as Apollo's well placed and time little bit of venom. I share Hermes' love for new things, new projects, new initiatives, new ideas. I share his frustration at having to finish things, make things come to a fixed completion rather than a fluid (mercury like) idea. (See procrastination below). Hermes also allows me to bend the truth with alarming regularity and success.

Hermes helps me most in my men's work. He is an awesome facilitator: quick, can see things at many levels, communicates well, can be anywhere at anytime, friendly.

Shinoda's recommends: Saying No to Hermes, particularly Hermes' disregard for consequences and ethical values; seeking Apollo's help on ethics and also in the completion of projects; seeking Zeus' mentoring in order to grow from the adolescent boy; Seeking Aphrodite for awareness of vulnerability and initiation into sensuality; Seeking Dionysus and liberating the anima for similar reasons to Apollo; using Hermes to facilitate my Spiritual Evolution.

Apollo's ethical assistance has been successful, less so on the completion of projects. I have found some willing mentors, especially in MKP. Aphrodite is still elusive. Apparently she was too for Hermes, until Zeus sent a golden eagle to steal one of her golden sandals whilst she was bathing, which Hermes traded with her for her favours.

Hades - God of the Underworld
Social Invisibility, Depression, Distortion of Reality, Low self-esteem. Definitely Introverted and Sensation. Rich inner world of images, detachment.

There is a definite introverted streak within me. In fact, the introversion plays a larger role in my life than extroversion. Depression, and the rich inner world of images it opened me up to has played a big part in my life. Social invisibility is common for me - people easily forget me on first meeting, and feedback from my job has always indicated that I would benefit from making a bigger first impression. In turn, I've been rather proud of that invisible nature of myself, and am reluctant to let go of it.

Shinoda recommends that Hades: Develops a Persona - a face in the real world; Find Persephone, a woman to mediate in the world for him (external or internal anima); Activate Hermes to communicate the richness of the unconscious (underworld); Go out into the world.

Persephone is also proving elusive, externally and internally, but Hermes is active in me. Going out into the world is an ongoing project.

Remaining Archetypes
Zeus, God of Sky and Lightning.
Poseidon, God of Sea.
Ares, God of War.
Hephaestus, God of the Forge.
Dionysus, God of Ecstasy and Wine

I have always reacted strongly against Zeus. He represents patriarchy, and has always been public enemy number one within my psyche. Perhaps a reaction against my father, though in truth I think he is more like Hades than any other archetype.

Nonetheless there have been times where I have led like Zeus - drawing on my power to act with decisiveness and ruthlessness. Few and far between, and mostly by accident, but it has happened.

Poseidon, and the realm of emotions and feelings, is very alien to me. I don't have an adverse reaction against him, and have come to trust his loyalty, but most of the time I don't identify with him. When I see him act in others, I'm often a little confused, but I've learned to simply accept and love this.

I have done more work on Ares than any other part of me, especially through MKP. I can say now that I'm comfortable with him, and when I have tasted the aspect of this archetype that is the ability to be truly master of the moment in the midst of battle, it has been the most enriching thing for my soul. These days I love to be around Ares, and I deeply love working with Ares men and gaining their trust.

The romantic in me deeply wanted to be like Hephaestus - the misunderstood genius. I think though that whilst I do have moments of extreme creativity, they are mostly in the realm of the mind and are inspired by Hermes, rather than being in the realm of physical reality. I have never been "good with my hands". In this second stage of my life I am coming to enjoy Hephaestus activities, since they are new, and I feel no pressure to be good at them.

Dionysus has played a large part in my addiction. He tends to be like that. Most of him is completely incomprehensible to me, and I feel that strange blend of intense curiosity and mild aversion. Parts I can identify with are his Shamanic strengths, and his ability to hold both the masculine and feminine.

At times, I share Dionysus' swinging moods of low self-esteem and inflation, as I'm sure this piece of writing will show. Actually wanting to write this out as a completion of the book project is the Apollo in me, but the words came from Hermes, and the introspection from Hades.