Day 5 - Ancient History I

I'll make a start today.

Why did I start smoking? What led to that decision? Why did I make that choice? I believe there is some healing for me from answering that question.

What I can remember...

Gareth gave me my first cigarette. He was my best friend, had smoked for a while, I'd come along to watch, and till the day I smoked, I was not once tempted.

Gavin, my second best friend, had also smoked, though he had left my particular school. I had spent some time with him the previous Christmas holidays, and had been tempted, almost lit up, then decided against it. I remember he lit up (and I was tempted) because we were cold and frustrated that we couldn't get home. We'd got off at the wrong train station and were having to walk home.

I was upset with my girlfriend at the time. First love and all that. I don't remember the specific details, but I was miserable about the whole thing and I'd gone to talk to Gareth about it, and then asked for a cigarette. I remember it was cold and damp that day. I don't recall how it tasted, I do remember the nicotine rush - the light-headedness followed by a warmth in the guts. I remember thinking I'd have a couple and then no more.

Then I slowly discovered that more and more of my friends smoked, even those who I thought never would. I remember finding out that said girlfriend even started smoking. I find it hard to admit to the peer pressure one. There is a part of me that is arrogant enough to believe that I choose my own way and I never follow the crowd. He doesn't like admitting that there was the subtle peer pressure of simply noticing that others were doing it - peer permission rather than pressure.

It took me a while to get into smoking, but I was determined I was going to smoke and I persisted through the coughing and spluttering. I think part of the continuing to smoke was my belief that I was rebelling. I wasn't known for being a rebel, if anything I was considered a bit geeky. I even got kudos from the "in crowd" rugby playing lads for my smoking (but only because they wanted cigarettes from me).

I remember the addiction building up over time. Of starting off only wanting one in the evening, then in the afternoon when we went out to the coffee shops in town, then at lunchtime (and the first time I had confusion of whether I was HUNGRY or just needing a smoke), then at mid-morning, and then finally first thing in the morning. It was a remarkably quick process.

There were two parts then: starting and continuing; each with its own reasons.

Starting:
- Suppression of feelings, particularly anger with women.

Continuing:
- Peer pressure and acceptance
- Rebellion
- Continued suppression of feelings

More self-forgiveness in order here I think.

I'm still feeling the craving in the morning and the afternoon at work. Nights are fine, early morning is difficult. Much of that is wrapped up in my ambivalent feelings about my job. I smoked to suppress those feelings for sure.