Day 28 - THIS crisis

So it looks like my addict played a high hand: Romance.

Since the Satyen workshop I've been exchanging emails with a woman called N. The status of our potential date changed on a daily basis. Somehow I (i.e. addict) always managed to say the wrong thing.

Last night, two hours before my birthday party, I find out it's all off because I did the wrong thing, and I was devastated. Then I have guests arriving (and I find parties stressful, and when they're MY party, my stress levels generally hit the roof). Somehow, I breathed my way through it, and ended up having a great time without smoking. The dancing helped in no small measure.

Logged into email after the party and the date was back on. She accepted my (ooh... let's see... how many times have I fucked up with N in one week?... FIFTH apology).

Slept like I was three months, not thirty years old.

Addict still played saboteur - I "lost" my wallet an hour before the date, and then "lost" my way finding her place. I was almost believing that it was just not going to happen by that point. The universe was conspiring against us (etc. etc.)

The date was wonderful. She's beautiful, soft, and has a bright spark in her eye, a razor sharp wit, and a sometimes fiesty spirit. All that I remembered and more. She's agreeable to meeting again in a couple of weeks.

I feel like she's far more than I can handle, and that at some point someone's going to come and tell me I'm in the wrong place, and could I move back to the hole I'm meant to be in.

Bring it on.