Day 2 - Memories

First things first: I'm still quit. I survived yesterday's attack. I'm still shattered today and I need more sleep.

I'm realising just how much I can repress when I smoke - because it all comes out afterwards during the craving stages. I'm conscious at the moment how much my thoughts are returning to my ex-wife, L. We met in early 1998, married in late 1999, and split up at the end of 2001.

Yesterday I noticed the small cigarette burn in my shirt that she'd carefully patched up years ago. The symbolism of her repairing my shirt with the healing I found from being with her, shocked my system. I was standing in the lift at the time and didn't notice that it had arrived at my floor until the bell rang for another floor.

Today I was reading Jean Bolen's Goddesses In Everywoman, similar to her Gods in Everyman I read last month. She was mentioning that Hera women can carry on using their husband's name even after a divorce, and I remembered that L had done the same.

Sunday, at the workshop, I saw another couple locked in a similar conflict that had led to the end of my marriage, and I broke down in tears.

I've worked through this so many times, and it still fucking hurts.