Day -2

So I realised I was going to smoke on the workshop I'm at this weekend. Instead of beating myself up about it, I've chosen to smoke, and am instead going to leave the beating up to the withdrawal symptoms on Monday.

I'm sad about this, and once again feeling helpless. It feels like a nasty, bitter, and political choice I made that pleases none of the parties waging war inside my soul.

The workshop, on Conflict Resolution, is going well. I got my sister on to it at the last minute, and we've had some amazing moments of connection. I love her dearly and fiercely, and I've been fighting my big brother instinct to look after her on the workshop, rather than letting her find her own way through. I'm really pleased she came.

There's an absolutely stunningly beautiful woman at the workshop. She gave me a lift home on the first night, and we had an interesting talk. I can't decide if she's flirting with me or just being nice. I keep getting jolts of energy from her (no other way to describe them). They make my spine vibrate, particularly at the base. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on workshop business, so I'm just relaxing and using my attraction to her to breathe and press love into the whole room. It's working, in that there is a real tangible presence of love, but that might just be the natural course of events. I'm loving the not knowing.