"International Workshop Leader"

My favourite man in all the world is in town. He's putting on a personal development workshop in Brisbane next weekend and I'm his local coordinator.

He's unique: (self proclaimed "lousy") Jewish, Canadian, speaks-at-two-hundred-miles-an-hour-and-thinks-at-four-hundred, reformed drug dealer and tax dodger, razor sharp witted comedian, immensely powerful healer and shaman, and.... chain smoker.

I went down to visit him at the Gold Coast yesterday, where the following transpired:

1) We talked and processed non-stop for 12 hours;
2) Fantastic food and wine was consumed. He's staying at the best hotel in town;
3) We dissected, rebuilt, and co-created a million processes;
4) I worked through a huge number of issues on the polyamorous (better word than polygamous) place I find myself in. He normally charges $500/hr for such work, I got it free!
5) I processed him regarding a relationship that ended for him last year; and
6) I smoked innumerable cigarettes.

Today I'm sick as a dog and took the day off work.

So where did I get to on the polyamorous issue?

1) Somewhere inside I had a part of me that believed "all my relationships will end in failure". It was plain to see how I have been playing my part out in that script. Monogamy had been my way of trying to control the other partner - to force it to last for ever. I was fighting the plain truth that all relationships end, and that such endings are not failures. The polyamorous approach was threatening the controlling of others strategy, and that's why I've been having such a resistance.

2) The spiritual lesson that I'm learning by playing out this "all my relationships will end in failure" pattern is that I can surrender to love. That love is too big to be confined to one relationship, that it is limitless, abundant and infinite.

3) At my core I am monoamorous, and that will not change. This polyamorous experiment is breaking the controlling part. Soon I will return to that core renewed in commitment.

Other things emerged during the 12 hours but these are the main parts.

Ultimately, I'm blessing my natural masculine energy rather than shaming myself for it. My integrity is intact as I've been clear to all the women on what's going on and none of the relationships have moved from a dating stage.

The Smoking Part
Part of me is starting to believe that I can smoke "on occasions". This is dangerous ground. I know that not to be true. Today, I'm going through the withdrawal all over again and it aint pretty. On the other hand I don't want to pile on the shame. Right now I'm feeling OK with it. I realise I'm back to day one, and I'm paying that price as well as the renewed cravings. I don't feel particularly angry or sad about that. Just another step.