Day 42 - Sydney

Environmental conditions surrounding relapses in 2004:
Feb 3 - Sydney, Drunk, Socialising with Smokers, Day after seeing K.
Feb 16 - Gold Coast, Drunk, Socialising with Smokers, Day after seeing K.
Feb 21 - Brisbane, Workshop, Socialising with Smokers
March 5 - Sydney, Drinking, Day after seeing K, Bad flight.

The "Day after seeing K" thing has been at the back of my mind. Each time I've met up with her, I've ended up smoking the next day. Coincidence? No. More likely it's my fear (relationships, rejection, the usual suspects). The fear is like a hangover after the OD of love the night before, and in fear I believed that nicotine helps relieve the hangover. So it's important that I absolve K of any responsibility for me smoking, and start to face my own fears.

Yesterday and today I'm in Sydney. I'm at risk. Not just the data of the past, but also the loneliness and missing RCG and frustrated at work and multiple excuses that in fear I could convert to smoking. Oh and the four drinks I had last night.

Of course I need to add to the list that I've been in Sydney this year on one occasion when I didn't smoke.

And I must add that I ALWAYS have a choice, and I am ALWAYS accountable for the consequences. There is a place in me where I know without doubt that I deserve to be free of nicotine, and that I do not need to chose to smoke now. The great healer within me that can bravely enter the feelings of loneliness and fear and stand and open in love.