The End

Today was my last day at this job. I'm so glad it's over.

I'm in Byron Bay over the weekend with RCG and her friends.
It's RCG's Birthday on Tuesday, and I have a special day planned for her.
Wednesday I fly to Sydney to sort out a place to stay, and then I'm back in Brisbane for the rest of the month before moving permanently to Sydney.

So I won't get much chance to post to this blog. I will update when I can.

And I'm still Smoke Free.

50 Day Ramble on The Quitnet

There are many people who stopped smoking in one hit. They chose the date, and they have not smoked since. This isn't to say it was easy for them - they struggled through all the cravings, the self-doubt, the temptations, the suffering, just like everyone else. It's just that they did it in one go.

Then there are others, like me who find that it took us more than one attempt. I have relapsed five times since I began my quit in earnest at the end of last year. That isn't even counting the multiple number of times I have attempted to quit over the 15 years that I smoked before that.

For me, it just wasn't the one go that did it.

So reading what I've written, you might hear the nicotine whispering in your ear: "Well, what's another slip? Maybe this time isn't quite right? It's just one cigarette. You've quit before, you can quit again."

Don't fall for it.

Do listen to the voice in you that says to keep going, and each time to give your utmost. Listen to the voice that completely ignores the past and says, "This time, I CAN and I WILL do it."

In the fifty days since I stopped smoking, my life has improved immeasurably. As well as the well-known health benefits, I have:

1) Met and fallen deeply in love with a beautiful, smart and sexy woman, who loves me too.
2) Quit a job that was driving me slowly under, and found a great new job.
3) Gone to the gym regularly, and now boast a stronger, fitter, and sexier body.

I don't think these things are unrelated. Stopping smoking has given me that self-confidence that isn't bravado. It's the self-confidence that comes from moment to moment practice of discipline and love. It comes from struggling through despite the odds.

And it's not so surprising that with that self-belief, I have found love, got a new job, and have looked after my body.

Thank you all for your support.

Dreams

Last night, RCG heard me moaning in my sleep, and as she moved to check I was OK, I turned a left hook and hit her in the chest. I was a lot more distraught after that than she was.

The Dream
I am part of a reconnaissance group scouting out an enemy camp behind a hill, protected by a raised low wall patrolled by guards. On this side of the hill is a car - a mini with tinted windows - which is some sort of guard post as it has no wheels. I am at the back where I can see the others trying to sneak past the guards on the wall and in the car in order to look into the camp site. However, I can see that they have got their timing wrong and the enemy guards are about to spot them. I can't call out as this will alert the guards.

Suddenly, the guards turn and spot them and raise the alarm. The scouting party begins running down the hill to get away, when the doors of the mini fling open and out runs a large guard dog and another guard. I run straight towards the dog so that the others have a chance to flee, and I begin fighting with the dog. The dog turns into a strange cat-like woman dressed in black leather who begins to attack me with stones. As we grapple she breaks the stones like flint and then tries to cut me with the shards. I grab some of them and attack her back, succeeding in slashing her face twice. She has strange mottled skin, rather like very large freckles, and I can see the blood spray out. She opens her mouth wide to bite me, and I jam another shard of rock into her mouth. Then I start to smack her with my fist... except I've woken up and it's RCG I hit.

The Interpretation
To come shortly...

Day 50 - Helter Skelter Weekend

My time in Brisbane is running out, and I'm trying to squeeze in time with my friends, dancing friends, RCG and my family, and I'm also working desperately hard to try and finish the project with my current employer. It's not going well, and my boss is looking for heads to roll. I'm in a tough place and I have no idea how I'm going to get through it with a win for anyone, let alone a win for me. Very stressful, and I have four more days to go before I leave.

I finally had a break over the bank holiday weekend.

Friday - Dancing
Out for dinner at South Bank with dancing friends as a goodbye. Afterwards spent time at the street festival, dancing to a salsa band and a DJ. Great fun.

Saturday - Birthday Party
My best friend's wife's birthday party in Noosa over the weekend - an excellent night, except for him accidentally spilling a glass of red wine on RCG's white skirt. She handled that beautifully, no major drama, a quick change of clothes and back to the party. I was very pleased that I managed to completely avoid smoking, despite being very drunk in a cocktail bar with ample smokers around me.

RCG and I signed up for a cruise over New Year with my friends, one of whom is getting married on one of the islands we visit. The large sum of money, together with the plan so far into the future, made our signatures on the booking form seem like so much more. Scary and yet also comforting.

Sunday - Eternal Sunshine
An intense day with RCG, culminating in a difficult conversation where I managed to say the wrong thing on many an occasion. Intense jealousy again for me when she mentioned that she was going out for lunch with her ex-boyfriend. I am stuck in the place where my insecure and needy part can't see why she's friends with him; my rational mind knowing that I too have had lunch with ex's and that there is no reason why she can't; and my heart that truly loves and trusts her. Tending to my needy part, that wants to control her, is hard work. She too spoke about her insecurities regarding my parents and their "Indian Bride" project. In the end we tired of the talking and went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That gave us some relief.

Monday - All Four Turns
In the morning we spoke again about our fears, and recognised how intense the last few days had been. Being so deep in love has made me acutely sensitive to all my emotions, and has also increased their strength. In the course of an hour with her I went from fear, to anger, to sadness, and then ecstatic joy. She reported a similar roller coaster, and after a late breakfast, it finally felt like we had returned back on the ground.

I took mum out to lunch, to make up for the time I haven't spent with her, and instead have been with RCG. Despite my best intentions, I ended up drifting into thinking about RCG. In the end I texted her: "Each time we are together my love for you deepens. Each time we part, it hurts even more." She called me back after lunch with her ex to say she agreed.

Day 47 - Let them eat dirt!

An edited version of my contribution to a discussion on making all MKP events in Australia tobacco-free

As a self-righteous ex-smoker I'm all in favour of banning smoking on Warrior Weekends, pubs, work spaces and even the privacy of your own home. It serves my need to dictate to you how you should lead your life, which I often disguise as my wisdom generously shared from my learned experience.

I also understand that the Native Americans hold tobacco as a sacred herb. Given how much energy the topic of tobacco carries for me, and I observe in others, I'm not surprised.

Seriously, I would value any opinion on this within the forthcoming debate. I am glad we are having this discussion.

Day 46 - Sydney Again

After a wonderful weekend with RCG, I'm back in Sydney again this week for business. Last night I met up with three friends and their friends. Some of whom smoked. I didn't. Instead I talked to a friend about how wonderful not smoking is.

I won't see RCG again till Friday, and I miss her every moment. The sexual passion between us gets deeper each day, matched by the depth of our connection at other levels. This is new ground for me - honouring our sexual connection in our relationship as fundamental, rather than writing it off in fear.

Sunday, I did another Deida men's workshop run by some of Deida's new apprentices. I had a ball. My ego was particularly thrilled that every man in the group singled me out for the wisdom in the feedback I gave them. I loved returning home to RCG full of masculine polarity at the end of the day, and having the gift of a woman to open in love.

Business is tough - there is a risk I won't finish the project I stayed at my current employer to complete. I have until the end of the month. I want to leave having given my best. Hence, I have been spending less time updating this blog.

I dreamed a lot last night. They all seemed powerful. Some involved RCG. The one I remember was seeing my father with a tear rolling down his eye, and the deep sense of love and compassion I felt for him. Something is shifting inside, and it feels good.

Cary Tennis

A genius at work.

Day 42 - Sydney

Environmental conditions surrounding relapses in 2004:
Feb 3 - Sydney, Drunk, Socialising with Smokers, Day after seeing K.
Feb 16 - Gold Coast, Drunk, Socialising with Smokers, Day after seeing K.
Feb 21 - Brisbane, Workshop, Socialising with Smokers
March 5 - Sydney, Drinking, Day after seeing K, Bad flight.

The "Day after seeing K" thing has been at the back of my mind. Each time I've met up with her, I've ended up smoking the next day. Coincidence? No. More likely it's my fear (relationships, rejection, the usual suspects). The fear is like a hangover after the OD of love the night before, and in fear I believed that nicotine helps relieve the hangover. So it's important that I absolve K of any responsibility for me smoking, and start to face my own fears.

Yesterday and today I'm in Sydney. I'm at risk. Not just the data of the past, but also the loneliness and missing RCG and frustrated at work and multiple excuses that in fear I could convert to smoking. Oh and the four drinks I had last night.

Of course I need to add to the list that I've been in Sydney this year on one occasion when I didn't smoke.

And I must add that I ALWAYS have a choice, and I am ALWAYS accountable for the consequences. There is a place in me where I know without doubt that I deserve to be free of nicotine, and that I do not need to chose to smoke now. The great healer within me that can bravely enter the feelings of loneliness and fear and stand and open in love.

Easter

We walk along the beach in the late afternoon, watching the shadow of the sand dunes grow longer. She talks about her dad and his behaviours.

I say, "What he did was inappropriate - there were much better ways he could respond, but I guess he didn't know how."

Later that night in the darkness of our tent, I add, "I like and respect your father. But I won't take any shit from him. I am not scared of him."

I hold her as tight as she sobs. I kiss her face and taste her tears as she says "I had no idea that would affect me so much."

Neither did I.

Easter 2004 on Noosa North Shore

Highway to Paradise, originally uploaded by charon.

Very close to paradise.

Posted by charon from Flickr.

Easter 2004 on Noosa North Shore

Sunrise, originally uploaded by charon.

This is where we spent Easter camping.

Posted by charon from Flickr.

I am 1 Month Nicotine Free

I did it.

Message from RCG:

... I thought the best encouragement would be to reinforce the benefits that your non-smokingdom have for me, and by default for you ;)

your breath smells sweeter
your tongue tastes! better
your smell is more acute
your heart pumps stronger

your teeth are whiter
your lungs are clearer
your hands are softer
your muscles are firmer

your skin is warmer
your attention span's longer

you only crave me...

Backposting

Posted some old thoughts of mine: A Walk Along the Beach and Farewell 2002.

Day 31

I'm tired today after a wonderful weekend with RCG. She's moved into her new place and so we made best use of the privacy.

Slowly and carefully we offered the less lovable parts of ourselves to each other. The stories we don't want to tell, the little pieces we fear will hurt the other but know will come out eventually, the aspects of ourselves that we are ashamed of... With each piece, we looked into the others eyes and sought and received love and acceptance.

She talked about the relationship she ended when she met me, but before she went out with me. I let myself feel through my instant anxiety and jealousy as she described the man she cared deeply about but who was not prepared to commit to her because he was afraid she would leave him (thus creating his own end).

I talked about my ex-wife.

Together we observed our scripts in action, and then in between made love, healing with our bodies what slipped through the fragile net of speaking and listening.

Badmaash

This is what it feels like when I go to Byron Bay; this is so true; and this is my regular flying experience.

Ruthless Love

As the fog of nicotine and the daze of nicotine withdrawal both begin to clear, I'm starting to notice just how much I lied when I smoked.

As I smoked hour after hour, and at the same time didn't want to smoke, I was effectively living the paradox of continually doing something I didn't want to do. Each time I smoked, there was a lie to cover the paradox: "It's just one", "I deserve this", "I'll be lest stressed", "I need time to think", "I'm so angry right now", "God! I'm bored", etc. etc.

And out of habit, I became a habitual liar. The lies spread throughout my life. It starts with small untruths told so that I can get out and have a cigarette, and it continues with living a life of slavery to a drug pretending that this isn't the case. For others it is the man on his deathbed with lung cancer, who still has the craving and can't match up the craving with his decaying lungs.

Of course, deep down, I knew that I was a liar, but "luckily" I had the skills to lie about that to me too.

Being nicotine free has increased my capacity to live in truth, to be in integrity, to face facts and to change what needs to change.

I remember when I first relapsed, I made an initial choice not to reset my quit date. I remember the ruthlessness with which that proposal was treated in this forum. Eventually I went with the truth. I have been grateful for that ruthlessness ever since.

Ruthless love is what keeps me from the "just one" junkie thinking. Like the poisonous snake of smoke from the tip of a cigarette, junkie thinking is insiduous and cannot be held at bay: Somehow it seeps into your skin and hides in the crevaces of your clothes and in the wrinkles on your skin.

To stop junkie thinking, I must stop smoking. There is no other way. To stop the craving, I must stop smoking. There is no other way. One cigarette will always lead to another. This is not weakness, it is simply the truth of who I am.

It's my belief that ultimately every recovering addict has to face the truth that he or she chose to avoid by smoking. Some people in this forum speak about that moment, perhaps 100 or so days into their quit, when they finally hit the truth. Others like me struggle with it on a daily basis.

Whatever your path to truth, I encourage you to be ruthless with yourself about your addiction until truth itself becomes your habit, truth itself becomes your addiction.

Day 28 - Ask for what you want

An email I sent today:

Dear Friend

As you know, since December 2003 I have been stopping smoking, with some success, and a few relapses.

On Tuesday 6 April 2004 I will be one month free of nicotine. One month is the longest I've not smoked for since 2000 and represents a major milestone for me.

As such, Tuesday would be an excellent day for you to send me a supportive message of any sort.

I think this would also be a good time for me to apologise to you for any short temperedness, clumsiness, and general failure to function in a reasonable fashion over the last three months.

Cheers :)