Sunday, February 29, 2004

RCG

I met Really Cute Girl in January at a Latin dance party. "Met" is an overstatement - the encounter consisted of one dance and finding out her name and that she was psychologist who worked with drug rehab unit.

She is almost perfect. Merely being in close proximity to her turns me on (trust me - this is a much rarer happening than when I was 15). Her scent, her touch, the flash of her blue eyes, the angle her dark red hair makes to her face, the freckles on her pale skin, the sound of her voice... It'll get very scary when she realises how much power she has over me. She's 23 and she's as cool as.

Then I found out she had started dance classes at the same school, and I joined her beginner class as a helper. Strange that. The whole class went to coffee two weeks ago (Valentine's day), and I sat down next to her and talked.

"Where were you last week?", she said at this week's class dance class when we were partnered up.

I'm onto a winner: she'd noticed I wasn't there; which means that she was looking out for me; which means that she is interested.

"Lets have coffee after class and I'll tell you."

Two hours into great coffee conversation...

"Is your name pronounced like ____? I was asking my friend who is also Indian how to say it correctly."

I'm so in here - she's been talking to her best friend about me.

She paid for the drinks whilst I was visiting the Gents.

"That's Ok. You can buy me a drink back."

Clever girl, good way to ensure second date.

"How about I raise your drink to dinner?"

What gets me is this: Why have I taken 15 years to get to the stage where this is so easy? All those wasted years!

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Passion

Friday night, I was profoundly moved by The Passion of the Christ. I still get moments of striking visual flash backs and intense feelings in my body. I've always know the story in my head and understood the theoretical implications; and now I can feel it in my heart and soul.

I can see how the film achieved this with the brilliant screenplay and cinematography. The use of colour was especially inspired, not to mention the acting and directing.

I had little time for the "good" and "evil" dichotomy represented by moments like Lucifer amongst the crowds, Jesus crushing the snake with his heel, and the crow and the thief. A sad lapse into a guilt, shaming and retributional God. Very typical of how many Christians I know will be judgmental and wrathful even as they preach the message of sacrificial love.

However, it has all been a painful and beautiful reminder that Jesus is my inspiration of unconditional love and spiritual freedom.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Day 5 - Chicken

I really need to do some work. I don't even have a clue what I'm behind on and what I'm really, really behind on. This is not my usual way.

It seems like the part of me that still wants to smoke is ransoming me over work: I'll let you catch up with what you need to do, but first you must have a cigarette.

It's a game of brinksmanship.

So, I take the dare. I am committed to this quit no matter what. No matter what falls apart, I know that smoking will not solve the problem, and I will not smoke. There's an easy way and a hard way.

I'm utterly willing to take the easy way, and I will take the hard way if that's the way you want to play it.

Day 4 - Nic has left the building!

and I'm feeling a little more stable. This has been the worst hell week I've had so far. So much for "I'm good at quiting, I can always have a few slips and start again".

So, I'm promising myself lots fun and relaxation this weekend: lots of latin dancing, meals with friends, and the date with N should keep me going.

Found myself a new personal trainer, and have my first session tomorrow morning. Best go to bed.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Where is Snowy River?

N is immensely excited. She's been calling me and emailing me nearly every hour since I asked her out.

"Yes, Yes, Yes, I would absolutely, completely, adore to go"

She had me at "Yes".

Sadly, her excitement is mostly about the play and, in particular, Sigrid Thornton. Of course, I have no such strong childhood memories of said iconic Australian actress and it's all going over my head.

Except the part that is this sexy woman buzzing and overflowing with joy and delight at the prospect of a couple of hours in a theatre. That I get.

MMF

Felt inspired today.

Must have been lunch with Scorpio.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

I am a

Enneagram

Blue-Belle

I don't pretend to understand women. It would be foolish, and a little insulting, of me to think I could succeed at such an enterpise. However, it would also be incredibly unchivalrous for me not to attempt to try and understand women.

That said isn't Belle actually completely and deeply in love with this man she claims so unconvincingly not to care about?

For a woman who gets that much sex, she has a lot to learn about love.

Or is that the point? Am I meant to be subtly but painfully aware of her deep insecurities about whether or not she's loveable? Or have I swung into the debate with a thousand projections onto him and another thousand fantasies on her?

Probably the latter.

Mother Issues

As well as T, the beautiful woman at the conflict resolution workshop, there was V. V must have been in her late forties or early fifties, and in relatively excellent shape. Her skin was beautifully tanned with not a wrinkle on it. I remember being entranced by her back at one point (as well as some very sexy shoes she was wearing).

V was at the workshop to deal with a conflict with her ex-partner who accused her of not being committed to him and of continually flirting with younger men. V angrily denied both accusations at the start of the workshop, but finally came to some healing when she recognised that she wasn't actually in her heart committed to her ex-partner. She also spent most of the workshop flirting with me. I'm the same age as her daughter.

I was at the workshop to deal with a conflict with my ex-partner who refused to commit to a relationship with me. She, Scorpio, wasn't into commitment. It was an old issue that I'd worked before, but still wanted to take another look at as it was the most recent time I could remember being very angry. Last time I looked at it some oedipal stuff (you know, wanting to have sex with mater and to kill pater) came up. I was also very attracted to V at the workshop and had to do a lot of boundary work to make sure I didn't get involved and to make sure I wasn't returning the flirt.

What confused me most was that whilst T was a beautiful attractive woman of my sort of age she didn't half turn me on as much as V.

Towards the end of the workshop I recognised that:
- V was enneagram type 2.
- The last older woman I was attracted to was also a type 2, and also had that sexy skin thing going on
- My mum must be a type 2

Heebeejeebees.

But more seriously, I handled the situation with V with sensitivity and tact; she was an attractive woman in her own right; and there will always be a little boy inside of me who is looking for a mom he can have sex with. The challenge for me as a man is to not shame my little boy and his fantasies, but also to keep clean healthy and real boundaries.

Thank God I'm in therapy.

Day 3

I'm more relaxed today, and the cravings have abated. I'm also realising I'm getting behind on work, and I need to refocus.

Completely independent of the Sydney opportunity, my current employer wants to discuss a new position with me. I want to hear what they have to say, and I know they won't change my mind. It's a tough line to walk, as potentially my current employer would be a client of mine in the new job. I want to be clear with them without burning any bridges.

I've been asked by a number of people what job I actually do.

I'm a financial mathematician. I use mathematics, statistics, economics and computer modelling to analyse complex financial problems, usually within the insurance or banking industry, and provide clear business advice on the risks and rewards of different strategic options.

So yes, it's a nerdy job, it's well paid, and I really enjoy it.

Plans and Decisions

I'm going to Sydney in May 2004.

The reasons for my choice are:
1) My purpose in Brisbane, being getting a closer connection to my parents, feels complete. There is no longer a reason why I need to stay in Brisbane.
2) I want to refocus on my career. I want to be happy in a job that I believe I have a future in. The job I have been offered meets all my criteria. I can honestly say that it is the ideal job I've always wanted, with the kind of people I've always wanted to work for, doing the kind of work I've always wanted to do, in the right kind of environment, for a fair reward for my skills and talents.
3) I do not want to return to the UK. I am enjoying life in Australia, and I want to stay here.
4) There is a men's group in Sydney for me to join now, and hence the support structure I need to keep healthy.
5) Other important aspects of my life, such as my personal growth work, my weight training, my kendo and my Latin dancing can all be supported (and indeed enhanced) in Sydney.
6) I actually need to leave home again. This time on my terms. It's growing up all over again.

Whilst K is also in Sydney, she is not a reason for me to move there, but an attraction and a divine invitation to Sydney. If she was not there, I would still go. I thank the universe for putting her there.

By leaving Brisbane I accept that I will no longer have:
1) Close proximity to my parents and my sister.
2) My parents taking care of me (which is catch up for me leaving home at the age of 10 and not coming back for 19 years).
3) The beautiful house my parents have built.
4) Close proximity to my best friends and my current men's group.
5) Close proximity to my dancing friends.
6) The relaxed, unpolluted, and vibrant city life.
7) The financial stability I have found here.

In making this choice I also resolve to:
1) Visit Brisbane at least once a month for three months, then twice for the following three months. On each visit I will ensure that I meet up with my best friends and my parents and sister.
2) Join the Sydney men's group as soon as I arrive and attend meetings regularly.
3) Find a quiet but central place to stay on my own, which I will furnish in a minimal and austere fashion. I will gift myself the living space I have always wanted.
4) Join a Latin dance class within three weeks of arriving.
5) Join a gym/personal trainer three weeks of arriving.
6) Be diligent and creative in my financial affairs.
7) By June 2005 find a psychology or counseling course I can study on a part time basis.

This is my best decision based on all that I am reasonably able to know and discern at this time. If in retrospect it turns out that this is not a wise decision, I will none-the-less bless my choice. I thank the universe for making my choices this straightforward. I ask for a blessing in this new endeavor.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Day 2 - Lessons

I'm learning again that I struggle to stay quit whilst:
- drinking with smokers; or
- talking for long periods of time with close friends who are smokers.

So, right now, I resolve that until 1 June 2004 I will not:
- drink whilst I am with smokers; nor
- spend more than an hour at a time with close friends who are smokers.

This is doing whatever it takes. I do whatever it takes.

Day 2 - Memories

First things first: I'm still quit. I survived yesterday's attack. I'm still shattered today and I need more sleep.

I'm realising just how much I can repress when I smoke - because it all comes out afterwards during the craving stages. I'm conscious at the moment how much my thoughts are returning to my ex-wife, L. We met in early 1998, married in late 1999, and split up at the end of 2001.

Yesterday I noticed the small cigarette burn in my shirt that she'd carefully patched up years ago. The symbolism of her repairing my shirt with the healing I found from being with her, shocked my system. I was standing in the lift at the time and didn't notice that it had arrived at my floor until the bell rang for another floor.

Today I was reading Jean Bolen's Goddesses In Everywoman, similar to her Gods in Everyman I read last month. She was mentioning that Hera women can carry on using their husband's name even after a divorce, and I remembered that L had done the same.

Sunday, at the workshop, I saw another couple locked in a similar conflict that had led to the end of my marriage, and I broke down in tears.

I've worked through this so many times, and it still fucking hurts.

Monday, February 23, 2004

One for my technical friends

Added a dhtml counter of how long I've been quit. However, this is making the vertical scroll bar flicker. Actually it used to flicker before, but now it flickers every second.

Any tips on how to fix this would be much appreciated.

Day 1 All Over Again

Everything looks foggy. I can't seem to hold it down.

My inner junkie is saying:

- There's no point trying now, this is the third quit in a row this year. Just relax and smoke for a while until you build up steam for another big effort.

- Don't post on the forum. They're all strangers - what do they know. They'll give you useless electronic hugs.

- You can't concentrate for work, and it's a big deadline this week. You haven't got the energy to quit right now.

- You need to get your survival systems back in place, like sorting out a new gym and personal trainer first. You can't quit without those.

- So what if you're going to let down your friends. Have they called to see how you're going in the last two weeks? No? So why should you be afraid of telling them you've relapsed. It's not so bad anyway.

- It's only your pride and selfish ego that's stopping you from smoking. You don't want to be like that, so smoke and get over it.

- I know you quit together with your friend last night, but I BET you he's already smoking right now.

He's winning the internal debate.

OK. Realised I'm tired and vulnerable. Decided to go home now and sleep instead.

Day -1 Happy punters = Happy facilitators

Quick update:

- I quit smoking tomorrow.

- Workshop finished today. I did some interventions which I am really pleased with, and everyone seemed really happy and fulfilled when they left.

- Workshop leader and I began brainstorming our own multicultural training this afternoon. I think we were mostly doing it to see if we could piss off MKP. Having said that, I think that we came up with some excellent processes.

- T, the beautiful woman at the workshop, was actually flirting with Workshop Leader, not me. He enjoyed it, said it almost tempted him out of celibacy. I spent an excellent evening with him and dropped him off at the airport for his flight back to Canada. I'll give it a couple of weeks to allow T and me to cool off and then think about asking her out.

- Finally, a thunderstorm broke this evening, with lightning that seemed to flash completely across the heavens. Hopefully a cooler night, and some sleep awaits me.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Oh yes, it's damn hot

I think it must have hit 36C today. It's steaming now, and it's 10 PM. Not much sleep for me tonight I suspect.

Whose body is on the railings?

My thoughts have been with Thomas Hickey today.

The Mankind Project has been debating the proposal that all men in leadership positions complete a training on multicultural issues. The organisation is the least prejudiced of any I have ever met or worked in, and they are deeply committed to including all men, no matter which faith, colour, caste, creed, or sexual preference. They are also deeply committed to honouring men and not telling men what they should or should not do. Stuck betwixt a rock of demonstrating commitment and a hard place of mandating men to take a training course, they have recently chosen to make multicultural training an "expectation" rather than a "requirement".

This linguistic change is both brilliant, and full of shit. Rather like me.

Day -2

So I realised I was going to smoke on the workshop I'm at this weekend. Instead of beating myself up about it, I've chosen to smoke, and am instead going to leave the beating up to the withdrawal symptoms on Monday.

I'm sad about this, and once again feeling helpless. It feels like a nasty, bitter, and political choice I made that pleases none of the parties waging war inside my soul.

The workshop, on Conflict Resolution, is going well. I got my sister on to it at the last minute, and we've had some amazing moments of connection. I love her dearly and fiercely, and I've been fighting my big brother instinct to look after her on the workshop, rather than letting her find her own way through. I'm really pleased she came.

There's an absolutely stunningly beautiful woman at the workshop. She gave me a lift home on the first night, and we had an interesting talk. I can't decide if she's flirting with me or just being nice. I keep getting jolts of energy from her (no other way to describe them). They make my spine vibrate, particularly at the base. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on workshop business, so I'm just relaxing and using my attraction to her to breathe and press love into the whole room. It's working, in that there is a real tangible presence of love, but that might just be the natural course of events. I'm loving the not knowing.

Belle on smoking.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Favourite Colour

Last night K and I went to an excellent restaurant at the top of the Customs House on Sydney Harbour, with views of the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. Then a stroll around The Rocks, including a couple of galleries, some inevitable ice-cream, and a long and slightly romantic wait at the train station for her delayed train home.

Her drama group performed a play the night before and she was a little drained from her monologue. She was personally involved with Thomas Hickey's case before the riot, and saw him only a couple of weeks before his tragic death. I sensed too that she was grieving something about her mother. Her texture was sadness, and this was just as beautiful as the bubbling joy when we last met. I was drained from a very early morning rise and a whole day's strategy meeting at work. It was tough work keeping my energy going, but she refreshed me.

She is a painter - her main thing. She revels in colour. She sometimes works as a colour consultant - helping people find the colours that bring them to life. I asked about my choice of colour for her lenga. She said they made her look like a lifeless old witch. I laughed at my failure. How bitter-sweet it must have been for her to receive an expensive beautiful outfit like that, only to find the colour (the most important thing for her) to be so wildly wrong. She's going to dye it, but I might just find her something else.

I told her I was moving to Sydney. I hinted and she got that she was one of the attractions for me here. I occasionally asked questions about her past relationships. She's certainly lived a full life.

The price I paid for that information was jealousy. I'm back on that edge between claiming her heart and possessive neediness. It hurts and it's exactly where I need to be. Today the pain feels like a craving to smoke. I feel the possibilities flip back and forth: like two paths into the future.

I hate to admit this, but I was conscious last night of her being six years older. The workshop made us all feel younger, and the women look younger. As those effects inevitably and slowly fade I notice that I'm finding it hard to hold that open place. Deida talks about the inevitable masculine attraction to the young and fresh feminine, and how women can lose this as they are inevitably closed by the rough first stage masculine world. K's spirit is very very young, she laughs and giggles with the full surrender of a little girl, and she holds it all within the frame of this streetwise worldly woman.

I sometimes catch her blue-grey eyes and hold her gaze. In moments she quietens and begins to melt and flow over, around and through me. Her skin begins to glow and soften, her lips turn into a smile, and when she laughs the universe sings with her.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Day 4 - Freedom

Now I remember.

I chose freedom over slavery, choice over obligation, responsibility over duty, discipline over suffering, love over fear.

I chose not to smoke because I have the freedom to make that choice. I do it because I can.

Thank you God.

Inventory

Using the non-Clinton definition:

M, L, M, C, ?, D, L, L, ?, T, L, G, ?, ?, ?, ?, K, K

18.

Dumped

I fired my personal trainer. We kept playing phone tag, and eventually I just left him a message saying (more or less) "you're dumped".

Didn't feel as good as I thought it would. Now I have to chase him for the large amount of money he owns me for sessions paid in advance.

I've not been to the gym for two weeks and I have to find another trainer. At least I have my dance fitness class tonight. I need to move some of this craving energy out of my body.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Taboo

Last night I took N out to an excellent Italian restaurant in New Farm.

As usual, it was an utter disaster. I was late, she got the time wrong and wasn't dressed, I couldn't find her place. OK, not so much utter disaster as the constant feeling that the universe was against this enterprise and was throwing in as many curve-balls as possible. At least she liked the restaurant.

The conversation was great fun and she was on top form. I was telling her about my Sydney job interview ("How many petrol stations are there in Australia?") and we ended up playing a kind of mathematical taboo quiz: "How many people have I slept with?", "What is my net worth?", "What is the most immoral thing I have done?".

She guessed I'd slept with 31 people, I guessed she slept with 6. We were both wrong. This simply reveals that I'm looking for that virgin goddess, and she's looking for that experienced lover. Reminds me that at some point I need to work out how many women I have slept with.

Last time we met up I casually joked that I didn't like blondes when she asked me my opinion of a certain woman. Turns out N is a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, so she took many an opportunity to remind me of my taste.

I mentioned K to her, she called her a slut. I mentioned Scorpio to her, and she told me not to talk about ex-girlfriends unless I was going to talk about how bad they were. I steered clear - I wanted N to know that I was seeing others, and I'd completed that messy but necessary obligation. N was sharp enough to connect K and the moving to Sydney.

N was beautiful, smart, funny and great company, and there wasn't a spark there for me. I suspect there isn't one for her either. I'm going to suggest friendship to her before the next time we meet up in another two weeks.

Day 2 - Blank

The cravings have been really strong today. A couple of times I've come close to throwing in the towel and going out and buying a pack of cigarettes. I smoked a LOT on Sunday, and that's probably why the cravings are so strong. I'm coming up to the 72 hour period peak. This one is harder than before.

I need to remind myself why I'm doing this:

1)

Yep. That's what it's like at the moment.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Day 1- Whatever gets the job done

The job offer has come through, and it looks good:

"We have not bothered much with titles [...] Essentially, the position we offer would be referred to as a senior consultant, or something like that. [...] We have a corporate commitment that our workplace should provide fulfilment to our staff without sterilising their lives. [...] We have completely flexible working hours - whatever gets the job done. "

The salary is OK: the increase in my basic will just about cover the estimated increase in my rent compared to Brisbane, and the potential bonus and equity plans are generous.

Parents are supportive, dad more so than mum:
"How will you manage your washing?" The fact that I lived on my own for 18 years is of course not relevant at this point.

"Oh, I'll just post them to you and you can post them back when you've done them."

We laughed.

"International Workshop Leader"

My favourite man in all the world is in town. He's putting on a personal development workshop in Brisbane next weekend and I'm his local coordinator.

He's unique: (self proclaimed "lousy") Jewish, Canadian, speaks-at-two-hundred-miles-an-hour-and-thinks-at-four-hundred, reformed drug dealer and tax dodger, razor sharp witted comedian, immensely powerful healer and shaman, and.... chain smoker.

I went down to visit him at the Gold Coast yesterday, where the following transpired:

1) We talked and processed non-stop for 12 hours;
2) Fantastic food and wine was consumed. He's staying at the best hotel in town;
3) We dissected, rebuilt, and co-created a million processes;
4) I worked through a huge number of issues on the polyamorous (better word than polygamous) place I find myself in. He normally charges $500/hr for such work, I got it free!
5) I processed him regarding a relationship that ended for him last year; and
6) I smoked innumerable cigarettes.

Today I'm sick as a dog and took the day off work.

So where did I get to on the polyamorous issue?

1) Somewhere inside I had a part of me that believed "all my relationships will end in failure". It was plain to see how I have been playing my part out in that script. Monogamy had been my way of trying to control the other partner - to force it to last for ever. I was fighting the plain truth that all relationships end, and that such endings are not failures. The polyamorous approach was threatening the controlling of others strategy, and that's why I've been having such a resistance.

2) The spiritual lesson that I'm learning by playing out this "all my relationships will end in failure" pattern is that I can surrender to love. That love is too big to be confined to one relationship, that it is limitless, abundant and infinite.

3) At my core I am monoamorous, and that will not change. This polyamorous experiment is breaking the controlling part. Soon I will return to that core renewed in commitment.

Other things emerged during the 12 hours but these are the main parts.

Ultimately, I'm blessing my natural masculine energy rather than shaming myself for it. My integrity is intact as I've been clear to all the women on what's going on and none of the relationships have moved from a dating stage.

The Smoking Part
Part of me is starting to believe that I can smoke "on occasions". This is dangerous ground. I know that not to be true. Today, I'm going through the withdrawal all over again and it aint pretty. On the other hand I don't want to pile on the shame. Right now I'm feeling OK with it. I realise I'm back to day one, and I'm paying that price as well as the renewed cravings. I don't feel particularly angry or sad about that. Just another step.

Redhead

What a woman.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

It's not what I say...

T, my regular dance partner, as we step outside the hot and sweaty dance hall to catch a breath of coolish freshish air:

"I really hate Valentine's day, it's just so commercial. It doesn't mean anything anymore. I wouldn't want to get presents or cards or anything."

She doesn't mean that, I thought, silently nodding my head.

"Of course, I wouldn't mind something small."

Friday, February 13, 2004

Bollywood Princess

K's love of all things Bollywood included her wanting to find out where in Sydney she could buy some Indian style clothes. I said I'd find out.

Then I got home and decided instead to buy her something. So one shopping trip with my mother and sister later, I posted her a lenga.

Text message back today:
"I feel like a Bollywood star. I will be dancing all week. Thank you."

I'll be seeing her on Thursday next week when I'm down in Sydney.

Day 10 - Oh yes..

This blog is about not smoking. So I'm proud to report that I got absolutely wasted last night on the finest alcohol in the establishment, and despite the multiple fear-induced cravings, I didn't smoke a single cigarette.

Scorpio

Last night I went out to celebrate the new job with she who will be known as Scorpio. I had a relationship with her for about three weeks in August last year. Purists will argue that only three weeks doesn't count as a relationship. Purists can get fucked.

Scorpio is possibly the most powerful woman I've ever met. In her sex life she's a complete dominatrix who enjoys giving and receiving pain, and in her normal daily life she's a personal injury lawyer. OK, so not much difference there. She is razor sharp in her mind and senses - NOTHING gets passed her. She even has some form of ESP: which basically means that she knows stuff that she really shouldn't. After we broke up I consciously made the choice to be her friend because I didn't fancy my chances as her enemy.

An example to illustrate Scorpio: On her back is a very large tattoo of a scorpion. Not only is the symbol entirely appropriate, but also it was her first ever tattoo. Most people (including me) get a nice small one first to see if they take to the thing, but not Scorpio. She knew what she wanted, exactly how large and where, and she got it. The tattoo artist spluttered and did what she was told, whilst Scorpio didn't even wince at the pain.

So why do I have anything to do with this woman? Well, not only does she have a divine and beautiful physical body, but also because she is perhaps the most sexually alive person I've ever met. Sexual energy flows around her like a constant weather-system: bright sunshine one moment and then lightning storm the next. She can go from destroying Kali to surrendered Aphrodite in seconds and then flip back again. One moment she is as hard as a rock, the next she flows like water. Being with her is like playing with snakes: I feel alive and challenged. And it's so much more than physical sex. She knows how to mind fuck, and my mind is my biggest sexual organ.

Another illustration: She wears the most formal business suit, and then tops her nails with black varnish and blue glitter, or puts on a spiked collar. She'll openly speak the hardest self-effacing truth about her life, but then be too embarrassed to blow her nose in public.

I broke up with her because she wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and at the time I couldn't deal with the jealousy of even the thought of her being with another, never mind any reality. I didn't even pretend I could change her position or get comfortable with my jealousy, so I thanked her and left. She respected my choice.

(For months after we split up, every time I looked up in the night sky it seemed like Scorpio was directly above me.)

So it is ironic that the first time I'm in a polygamous relationship (the two woman date at the Satyen Raja workshop), I get a phone call mid-date from Scorpio, who incidentally hasn't called me in months. Somehow she knew exactly when I was getting over my monogamy-and-control thing. So right now, I'm dating three women, and hence there is room for Scorpio in my life. Go figure.

Of course, she's still skeptical about the whole thing and wants to go slowly. Not because she's back-peddling from polygamy, but because she doesn't believe that the other two relationships are real - they're just workshop practice. And of course she's right. I know that I am a one woman man at heart, and that's where I'll end up. More likely than not I won't chose her, and I don't hide that from her (as if I could hide anything from her). Right now, though, I'm enjoying the practice and she's willing to play from a safe distance.

It won't surprise you, dear reader, to know that beneath all that spiky exterior lies a tender, beautiful and deeply wounded girl. Occasionally, when I'm strong in my loving, she trusts me enough to show herself. Those moments of surrender are priceless, and how often they occur is my measure of where I'm at with Scorpio and with loving the greater Goddess that is this world.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Ticket to ride

I got the job in Sydney. They're sending me the offer next week. Then it's a case of getting the work visa.

I asked my current employer why I didn't get the promotion. Apparently he knew I had the skills to do it, but didn't think I was committed to the company or passionate enough about my work.

He was right. Sadly for him, I'm even less passionate now.

Day 9 - Anger

My personal trainer is up to his old habits of not turning up to training sessions and coming up with multiple (and admittedly very inventive) excuses. I had enough of him over the New Years, but gave him one last chance, and now he's blown it.

Right now, though, I'm avoiding calling him up and getting my refund. Good old conflict avoidance.

The irony, of course, is that all the gym work I've done has, at a physical level, improved my capacity for anger.

I'll just have to try to enjoy kicking his arse.

Shameless name dropping

Seems like Belle de Jour is in need of some love over Valentines. She's certainly obsessing over dates at the moment (both the format and the male kind).

I got a response to an email I sent her the other day.

And, no, I won't share.

Except to say that it was worth many many hours of blissed out infatuation.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Work like you're fired already

As I left my boss's boss's office today after a meeting he thanked me, said he really appreciated me being there.

That made me think two things:
1) Does that mean he often doesn't appreciate me being there? (True, I suspect.)
2) How come I did so well at that meeting? (For good I was).

I suspect some of my excitment for a new job has rubbed off on the old job. Ironic really. Also, I've noticed that I don't really give so much of a shit what I say anymore because I'm going to leave anyway, and strangely enough that means I'm more effective.

Very amusing.

Day 8 - Buy when the market is down; Sell when it's up.

I woke up feeling excited about my work, or the prospect of the future job. It's been a while since I felt that get up and go buzz. I'd forgotten.

I was thinking of leaving the whole profession I work in and going back to university to retrain as a psychologist next year. I'm now starting to wonder if I've let my current job experience distort my perceptions for my career. I'm wondering if it's not what I do, but who I do it for that matters.

The fact remains that the work I do is stimulating, enjoyable and rewarding, and also that I have a natural talent for it: working with complex models, applying them in a business context, and clearly communicating and explaining the results to others. People and complex problems, not too different from psychology really.

Apart from the difficulties I have with my current employer, my normal pattern is a cycle between liking and not liking my job. Each phase usually lasts between two and four months. It's difficult to make clear decisions when my feelings about my job move so often. The trick is to work out on average what it's like, and then see if I can hack the down periods.

I think perhaps the psychology is something I should fit in on the side. There are more options than simply ditching my job and going back to university. Financially this would make more sense for me, and I also believe that I'm likely to get better at psychology as I get older. My purpose right now though is to bring my mathematical and communication skills to the world.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Day 7 - Leased assets

"Well your references were quite good. Excellent in fact. He says that were allowed to recruit you, but that he considers you only to be on loan, and that he wants you back."

[...]

"If this were a normal interview, I would be typing up your offer letter right now. But we've just recruited, and so we think we've got enough staff to manage the capacity of work we have. However, it's our policy never to turn away someone who has the talent. So I'm going to talk to the other partners and see what we can do. I'll get back to you next week."

Monday, February 09, 2004

Day 6 - Time to take some of my own medicine

An email response to a fellow New Warrior, about to get married, change jobs and frustrated with the less than reactive men in his mens group:

If there's one thing I'll offer you it is that my mens group experience (post the first 8 weeks) has been incredibly varied. Some weeks I walked out thinking what a fucking waste of my time and everyone else's time. Other days I have felt more alive that I ever believed possible.

For me it's what separates: those who stick it through, shit times and all; those who want the quick fixes and leave when they don't get it every week.

I trust you are a man who sticks it through.

My mentor told me last week his definition of love: Accepting and blessing another just as they are - no changes necessary. The challenge for me of staying with a man who can't see his way out from the midst of the woods, is a call to bear arms for love.

And love is the only thing worth sticking out or fighting for.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Day 5 - Fussy

So here's a juxtaposition:

1) My two closest men friends are having trouble with their sex drives - i.e. not enough of it.
2) I found out today some other men friends of mine are attending a workshop on sex and relationships this weekend (where, incidentally, they had a very bad experience - reminds me how close to the bone this stuff is and how easy it is to get an incompetent facilitator who simply shames the participants).
3) I'm going really strong and having both a renewed sex drive and some "success" with women (today I had another date with an ex-girlfriend who seems very much reinterested).

So somehow I'm at odds with the world. My cycle (for up and down it goes) must be out of synch. Most of the time it's the world that seems to be enjoying sex and relationships whilst I struggle. I'm not complaining, just curious as to the timing.

Even my parents are in on the game. They want to introduce me to a girl from India for marriage. I was firmly against this, because I have an assumption that the kind of woman I want to marry can't be found in that vast continent with the second largest population in the world. I therefore modified my stance to say I'd marry any woman they found, no matter where from, providing:

1) She was not interested in material success.
2) She was her own woman with some inner strength and belief in herself.

At this point my father said that they won't be bothering to find me a woman because they don't think they could find a woman with such qualities. Like I said, it's only the second largest population in the world.

Actually, I suspect it's because both my parents want ME to be interested in material success, and they're probably not looking forward to a daughter-in-law with a mind of her own.

Perhaps I'm being too idealistic? A little too fussy in what I'm looking for? No, I don't think so. Right now I think N and K would meet these criteria.

The conversation with parents got very heated, and I was shouting towards the end. The automated quitting tip I got today said: "You might be feeling a little irritable, anxious, or tense for a few days after quitting."

No! Really?

Friday, February 06, 2004

Old Master

My old boss in the UK said he'd provide a reference for the Sydney job - "I'll give him my honest view of you which will be very favourable."

Whilst I truly know in my heart that I am brilliant and talented and also that I don't need that affirmation from anyone else, it is none-the-less wonderful to get the occasional bit of praise from someone I have admired and looked up to for many years.

Day 3 - Deja vu all over again

The part of me that's tempted to write off the 5 cigarettes I had as a "slip" and assume that I'm actually on day 33 is having some trouble.

My cravings are coming thick and fast, I am distracted and find it hard to concentrate, I'm overwhelmed with feelings - JUST like it was at day 3. So, being true to my body and feelings means that it is day 3 today.

I'm begining to understand why the first step (of twelve) is to own that I am an addict and that I am powerless over nicotine. After 30 days nothing had changed - the addict in me is alive and well.

The question is whether I let it sleep or keep it awake.

Welcome to the Edge

From a letter I sent today:

1) The X community is in the midst of a rebirth as it seeks to reinvent the container it works in.
2) The Y community is making and living decisions that can change its future survival.
3) I am choosing new directions and regrounding my purpose with tough decisions.

It seems to me that all three are at their respective edges - the limit of what is known, safe and dying; and what is unknown, risky and alive.

So I was amused when I read this this morning:

"In virtually every case, at the initiation rite's core is the boy's confrontation with personal limitation, with possible death, with inevitable fear. Here, he discovers the core of his true Masculine sexual essence, the part of him that really comes alive at the edge: his source of unshakable confidence in his ability to face - without collapsing - the real confrontations of life as well as his own limitations.

Such a boy, having passed through this initiation, can stand erect, whole, strong and open-hearted, knowing both the reality of his limitations and the reality of his deep resources. Even in the midst of fear, he has discovered that he has a tremendous capacity, far beyond his conventional assumptions, to live at the edge, or die trying. And because he has tasted his limitations, he knows that one day, he will, indeed, die, and so will everybody he knows. His confidence and Masculine power are grounded in this humbling reality, and therefore his strength is tempered with true compassion."

- From "Intimate Communion" by David Deida

Welcome to the edge.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Day 2 - Rebuild

I decided to work from home today, which gave me a chance to rest and recuperate. I've needed this for a couple of weeks now.

I spoke to mum and dad last night about the work situation. That was weird as I'm not used to talking about my problems with them. They were wonderful - "It will be alright" - again I was almost moved to tears. I mentioned to them about me moving to Sydney. I think they would find that disappointing, and I know they would accept it and love me the same.

I'm trying to separate moving to Sydney from wanting to be closer to K. I've only had one date with her, and I realise that I'm falling for her in a big way. Visual images of her keep dancing through my mind, and each time a rush of energy refreshes my body and soul. The part of me that knows about ideal projection and early infatuation is providing me with welcome caution and perspective. And my heart is beating fast.

I called up someone I'd really like to work for in Sydney and sent him my CV. They've just recruited so may not be recruiting another for a while, but he said he'd take a look.

From this place it looks so obvious that smoking doesn't fix anything.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Day 1- Pouring

"I just wanted to talk about the position you were interested in".

I want a cigarette.

"We've chosen to appoint someone else to the post. He'll be starting in a couple of months."

I want a cigarette.

"We recognise of course that you have been doing most of the work that this new person will be doing when he starts."

I want a cigarette.

"So, you'll need to consider what kind of work you'd like to be involved in going forward."

I want a cigarette.

I didn't have a cigarette. I took a cab home.

Back to Day 1

Last night I smoked five cigarettes.

I went out on a business meeting, ended up in a group of people most of whom smoked. I had a fair few drinks and chose to smoke.

Triggers: Social situation with people I didn't really know (I hate that), alcohol reduced willpower, lonely in a new city and missing the girl I saw the night before, tired with all the flights... and the crazy belief that just one won't hurt me.

Today I'm already feeling the cravings that I fought tooth and nail to get over. I'm run down and carrying shame.

Part of me thinks that I should write these cigarettes off as "slips". Luckily I've already learned that that's a non-starter. The Truth is my only ally, and the truth is I smoked.

Big Breath.

I'm not giving up on quitting. This will not beat me. I am quit again and half a day smoke free. I've done a month before, and I'll do another month and another. All that it takes.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Day 30 - Valli and Devayanai

I went out with K last night, another woman from the workshop, who lives in Sydney. I only spoke to her at the end of the workshop and instantly regretted not spending more time with her. So when I found myself in Sydney yesterday morning on work, and she sent me an email, I asked her out. She was free that evening.

Later that night she said that when she got my invitation she thought: "Out of all the women in Sydney, he asks ME out". It only took five minutes for her to phone back and confirm.

K's been hungry for the Deida work for years. She is so ready to surrender. Her femininity was juicy, passionate, soft, delicate and intoxicating. She loves Bollywood films, and anything colourful or rich. She's yearning to find some bright sensual Indian clothes. Anywhere we went her eyes were instantly drawn to the details of a sculpture or the colour and cut of a dress in a shop window; whilst I was busily examining form and function.

Turns out K quit smoking over a year ago. She attends her Nic A meetings once a week.

The post workshop rules stipulate strict rules around physical contact for the first couple of dates, and also a two week gap between each of the first three dates. I'm committed to those rules, and as we said good night, and I was gazing into her incredible eyes and feeling the love flow between us, it took every integral bone in my body to keep me from kissing her inviting lips, or to touch the radiance of gold that was spun into her blonde curls.

Speaking of integrity, there is of course the question of why I'm dating K, when I'm in the midst of dating N.

I could appease myself with the thought that there has been no commitment from me to either of these women yet. And of course, nothing sexual has happened. But both of these things don't sit well with me. Looks like something to talk to Martin about during the two weeks I won't see both of them for.

K clearly has the edge (or puts me just over my edge), but she lives in Sydney. All the alarm bells go off in my head as I start projecting and fantasizing about the future with either of these two women. Talk about not being in the now.

The now right now is deep bliss and crystal clarity.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Day 28 - THIS crisis

So it looks like my addict played a high hand: Romance.

Since the Satyen workshop I've been exchanging emails with a woman called N. The status of our potential date changed on a daily basis. Somehow I (i.e. addict) always managed to say the wrong thing.

Last night, two hours before my birthday party, I find out it's all off because I did the wrong thing, and I was devastated. Then I have guests arriving (and I find parties stressful, and when they're MY party, my stress levels generally hit the roof). Somehow, I breathed my way through it, and ended up having a great time without smoking. The dancing helped in no small measure.

Logged into email after the party and the date was back on. She accepted my (ooh... let's see... how many times have I fucked up with N in one week?... FIFTH apology).

Slept like I was three months, not thirty years old.

Addict still played saboteur - I "lost" my wallet an hour before the date, and then "lost" my way finding her place. I was almost believing that it was just not going to happen by that point. The universe was conspiring against us (etc. etc.)

The date was wonderful. She's beautiful, soft, and has a bright spark in her eye, a razor sharp wit, and a sometimes fiesty spirit. All that I remembered and more. She's agreeable to meeting again in a couple of weeks.

I feel like she's far more than I can handle, and that at some point someone's going to come and tell me I'm in the wrong place, and could I move back to the hole I'm meant to be in.

Bring it on.